Cuban Fury - 2014 **

I certainly didn't think this was 'infectiously feel-good'. In fact, I felt that the only good thing about it that really made me laugh was Chris O-Dowd in a role where he can properly swear and be a bit of a b******.
Nick Frost is a bit pathetic I think, and I haven't ever been in hysterics over anything he has done. He's a bit like an English Kevin James/Vince Vaughn who always plays a sad and lonely idiot who just wants to do good. Here he's (guess what) a sad and lonely idiot, who can only express himself through his love of Cuban dancing. He tries to win his new boss over by dancing like a lunatic.
That's pretty much the story. And it really doesn't have anything more going on for it than that.
(the dance scenes are pretty good though.)

(HORROR) Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones - 2014 **

 

The weakest of the Paranormal Activity franchise, this movie isn't good. It's disjointed and the story rolls backwards and forwards, all over the place. A young boy begins to experience strange things after the peculiar death of his neighbour, and after a while finds out that he has been 'marked' by demonic entities as the next to go. It sounds like a fascinating premise but actually it's deeply unscary, with out of proportion jumps and bad acting. Keep to the four main films and give this one a miss.

(HORROR) Mischief Night - 2014 **

What the actual hell did I just watch??! *spoilers* Expecting to see a run of the mill intruder movie that would give me a few jumps, I was surprised that I appeared to be watching a film about a sadomasochistic teenager who falls in love with the maniac that breaks into the house she is babysitting. I did for a short time thing it was a clever spoof of the 'typical masked intruder' set up and the teenager was going to be very clever and outsmart him as a sort of parody, but then I realised she was just bonkers. There was a ridiculously long, drawn out scene where the pair drone on and on about their 'feelings' after he's attempted to kill her, resulting in them rushing up to bed and the maniac stabbing the teenager as they have sex because 'she wants it to hurt.' That is the sort of strange, surreal head trip that you should expect.
I have really never understood people who enjoy pain, when it's our body's way of telling us that something isn't right. Why anyone would go looking for pain is beyond me.
It's not what you are expecting at all and I guess it's sort of original, but not enough to be good.

(HORROR) The Quiet Ones - 2014 **

 

For a movie that appeared to have so much advertising and excitement about it on it's release, it's mind blowing to think how awful and badly acted this film actually is.

Set in 1970s Oxford (it couldn't look LESS like 1970s Oxford if it tried) the film follows a professor who tries to dispel a myth of possession on tape and invites a handful of people to help him prove that it's all in the mind. They use a woman named Jane as their 'subject' and the film consists of them all experimenting on her and running around screaming in a country house.

I really think that this was a poor film, and it had no redeeming qualities to it at all, and I think that if they were planning on setting it somewhere as obvious as Oxford, that they could've tried a bit harder to make it look realistic.

 

(HORROR) The Appearing - 2014 *

Oh dear. Not a good film. An abandoned building that a family decide is the perfect place to be (when will these people learn??), a scary Patrick Swayze clone who can't act, a load of 'scary' pop up moments that make you chuck water over yourself (by mistake, not because they are any good). It's a poor excuse for a film. It's really not worth watching. I saw this right after 'The Quiet Ones' thinking it couldn't be any worse, but actually...

Almost Married - 2014 *

I think maybe film directors are really scraping the barrel now. There doesn't appear to be ANYTHING left for them to make a film about. This is the all time low.

Emily Atack plays Lydia, the gobby, chavvy fiance of Kyle. 

Kyle has recently got back from his stag do where most of the events are a blur. He's brought Lydia a gift, in the form of an STI. Lydia has no idea, except that it burns when she wees. Kyle must now try to convince Lydia not to have sexual relations with him until after the wedding (being on a course of antibiotics until then).

Whoever was paid to come up with this stupid story needs a smack over the head. It's utterly ridiculous, especially the 'twist' and deeply unfunny. In fact, it makes you squirm to watch it.

(HORROR) Antisocial - 2014 ***

This was a surprisingly original horror about what happens when people become too addicted to social networking sites. A recently single girl goes to her friend's house for New Year's Eve and one by one the other people in the house become fatally infected after visiting a chat site called 'The Red Room' (obviously a nod towards Facebook). Its up to the lead to save the day. I was quite impressed and liked the fact it tries to warn people off wasting their time on sites like that.

(HORROR) Children of Sorrow - 2014 ****

Despite saying 2013 on the poster it wasn't released until a year later. 'Children of Sorrow' is a nightmare of epic proportions. It's what happens when people believe in a person who convinces them that he can make their time on earth worthwhile. Inevitably that person is wrong, and usually very evil.
A woman tries to find out what happened to her sister who mysteriously died after joining a cult, but in doing so becomes obsessed with the place herself.
Scary, because this can and has happened.

(HORROR) Scorned - 2013 ***

I must admit I do enjoy films about psychotic women paying back their cheating spouses in a variety of terrifying and horrendous ways. I think it makes an exciting film.
Here we have no exception. Except the cheating spouse is a very bald Billy Zane and his scorned lover is a totally unhinged maniac.
After finding out that her boyfriend of 6 months (it's hardly a long term thing!) has done the dirty on her with her best friend (strange how often that happens), Sadie lures her friend to the holiday house she and Zane are staying that, and proceeds to torture them both, in various ways that will make you wince.
The story isn't original in any way and doesn't really have much of a point to it, but the acting from McCord is superb (she was also excellent in the disturbing "Excision" which was equally disturbing.