(HORROR) Fear Lives Here - 2012 **

What more excitement could one viewer have that watching a whole film about a group of idiots who get stranded in a remote area whilst hiking and end up spending most of the evening in their car. Oh, and they do encounter a strange ghostly boy who appears and disappears every now and again. It's awfully predictable and turns into something even worse. The characters in these films are always so thick that it doesn't surprise me that they die in such stupid/hilarious ways. This is no exception.

 

(HORROR) Roadside Massacre - 2012 *

Ranking as one of the very worst horror movies I have seen. In the last week. (Because let's face it, I see dire horror movies every week) A group of five friends take a detour on the way to their spring break destination, and on the way get sucked into the cannibalistic goings on that occur at the local BBQ joint. Hilarious scenes of eating other people in BBQ form, hysterical sex scenes in barns and terrifying eyebrows are just some of the delights that you will encounter. It's a yawnfest, and the characters are so stupid that it beggars belief that they can function at all, let alone drive a car.

(HORROR) Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones - 2014 **

 

The weakest of the Paranormal Activity franchise, this movie isn't good. It's disjointed and the story rolls backwards and forwards, all over the place. A young boy begins to experience strange things after the peculiar death of his neighbour, and after a while finds out that he has been 'marked' by demonic entities as the next to go. It sounds like a fascinating premise but actually it's deeply unscary, with out of proportion jumps and bad acting. Keep to the four main films and give this one a miss.

(HORROR) Reel Evil - 2012 *

It's a shame that so many found footage movies have to be so awful and so very tedious. This is no exception, and though it looks highly ridiculous from the poster I had decided to give it a chance anyway. But I shouldn't have bothered. It was the same awful rubbish as I have seen countless times.
People have to film a documentary in an old building and become terrified by unseen ghosts and ghouls etc. Except we do see the 'ghost' and she's enough to give me a tremendous fit of the giggles. I should try and stop watching these types of movies because I am always disappointed, but somehow I can't quite press the stop button.

(HORROR) The Quiet Ones - 2014 **

 

For a movie that appeared to have so much advertising and excitement about it on it's release, it's mind blowing to think how awful and badly acted this film actually is.

Set in 1970s Oxford (it couldn't look LESS like 1970s Oxford if it tried) the film follows a professor who tries to dispel a myth of possession on tape and invites a handful of people to help him prove that it's all in the mind. They use a woman named Jane as their 'subject' and the film consists of them all experimenting on her and running around screaming in a country house.

I really think that this was a poor film, and it had no redeeming qualities to it at all, and I think that if they were planning on setting it somewhere as obvious as Oxford, that they could've tried a bit harder to make it look realistic.

 

(HORROR) The Appearing - 2014 *

Oh dear. Not a good film. An abandoned building that a family decide is the perfect place to be (when will these people learn??), a scary Patrick Swayze clone who can't act, a load of 'scary' pop up moments that make you chuck water over yourself (by mistake, not because they are any good). It's a poor excuse for a film. It's really not worth watching. I saw this right after 'The Quiet Ones' thinking it couldn't be any worse, but actually...

Almost Married - 2014 *

I think maybe film directors are really scraping the barrel now. There doesn't appear to be ANYTHING left for them to make a film about. This is the all time low.

Emily Atack plays Lydia, the gobby, chavvy fiance of Kyle. 

Kyle has recently got back from his stag do where most of the events are a blur. He's brought Lydia a gift, in the form of an STI. Lydia has no idea, except that it burns when she wees. Kyle must now try to convince Lydia not to have sexual relations with him until after the wedding (being on a course of antibiotics until then).

Whoever was paid to come up with this stupid story needs a smack over the head. It's utterly ridiculous, especially the 'twist' and deeply unfunny. In fact, it makes you squirm to watch it.

(HORROR) Dark Feed - 2013 **

Oh what an ingenious idea to make a film about a group of film makers making a film, how utterly unique. Except no, it's not, and I'm amazed that the same people who wrote 'The Ward' actually had a hand in this. 

The group of 'filmmakers' are a bit of a motley crew, and decide to save a bit on their budget by filming in an abandoned hospital which gradually sends them all insane. For some reason there is also a vague attempt at humour, but it fails miserably, in fact making the whole thing a lot more disturbing and there are the typical close ups of large chests and dumb blonde bimbos for the gormless male audience.  

(HORROR) You Can't Kill Stephen King - 2012 *

VERY bad. Very, very bad. A group of friends go to a lake where Stephen King is said to have worked and stayed and are murdered in ridiculous ways one at a time. That's pretty much the gist of the film. It's totally silly and not scary in the slightest, not even in a 'so bad it's good way.' Avoid if you value your time. 

Meatballs - 1979 *

Bill Murray (annoying as ever) ruins scene after scene in the worst 'summer camp' movie ever.
Along the way, he embarrasses children, shouts a lot, letches after a fellow worker, plays immature tricks on people, and generally is a giant nuisance to everyone involved. Murray is not a good choice for this role, but then again, who would be?!

(HORROR) Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things - 1972 *

'Children Shouldn't play with Dead Things' is too unfunny to be a comedy, and too unscary to be a horror. It doesn't really fit into one category. There is one thing it is however, and that is ridiculously bad. The quality, both of the acting and of the film itself is dire. The plot is ludicrous ( about zombies and criminals and digging up bodies, all in the worst possible lighting). The director went on to direct 'Black Christmas' which is actually quite a good horror, but also directed 'Porky's' which is a ridiculous 'coming of age' comedy that makes everyone cringe now. It is clear he didn't know which genre to stick with.

(NOIR) C-Man - 1949 *

Very poor Noir with Dean Jagger, who plays an Agent on the trail of the murderers of his best friend and boss. It's badly acted, (laughable in places) and incredibly fake. In some scenes Jagger quite obviously fake punches his assailants and the sound is added later. Added to which the quality is horrendous. It's not on par with other noirs I have seen and it's a pity that it doesn't have a higher respect for itself.

Warm Bodies - 2013 *

'Warm Bodies' probably only really strikes a cord for the obsessive 'Twilight/The Walking Dead' fans who enjoy the surreal 'dead boy/alive girl' ratio.
That annoying bloke from 'About a Boy' spends his days wandering around 'undead' in an airport after a post-apocalyptic disaster with loads of other zombies craving human flesh. He bumps into a girl who isn't 'undead' and falls for her. It's like a horrendous zombie Romeo and Juliet escapade.
I didn't like it.

(HORROR) Motel Hell - 1980 *

'Motel Hell' is a cult classic. I would assume from those 2 words that it would mean it's a good film. But it's not. It's pitifully done, poorly acted, and really very bad in all aspects. Even the 'hilarious' play on words of 'Motel Hello' turning into Motel Hell doesn't raise a smile with me. It's just not funny. And the tone of the cinematography is that of low budget rubbish.
Literally all you need is the quote on the poster and you know the whole film ('It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent Fritters').

(HORROR) Deadly Blessing - 1981 **

Stunningly bad horror where nothing much happens except lots of bad acting and stupid murders. If Sharon Stone was put in this to boost ratings it failed miserably. One scene involving a spider stands out. Horrible cyanotype style filter made the film even worse.

(HORROR) The Amityville Asylum - 2013 *

A young woman starts a night cleaning job at a mental institution in Amityville, unaware that the hospital has been built on the Amityville house site. Horrific things happen.
Its quite a stupid film, deeply unscary and badly acted.

Identity Theft - 2013 **

One of those films that I hoped would be good but was awfully let down by. 

Melissa McCarthy is infuriating as the carefree woman who steals Jason Bateman's identity and has a fantastic time doing so. Bateman loses his job as a result of this and decides to track her down to get her arrested. McCarthy just oozes stupidity, even when designing fake credit cards in bright blue eye-shadow.
She's just a massive joke of a character, completely unrepentant for her actions, resulting in feeling constant sympathy for Bateman . I also spent most of the movie feeling quite annoyed that the subject of identity theft was taken as such a joke when it's not.

(HORROR) Rites of Spring 2011 *

Another awful horror film. A deranged lunatic kidnaps young women on the first day of spring every year as a pagan/sadistic ritual. At the same time a completely unrelated sub plot is taking place between a husband and wife who are having financial trouble. It's ghastly.

Pervert! - 2005 **

A very ridiculous and over the top movie. Lots of breast shots and pointless nudity. Quite funny in parts, but overall just bad. Don't bother. 

Vampire's Kiss - 1988 *

'Vampire's Kiss' is a joke of a film. It has a huge cult following due to one frankly forgettable scene involving ingesting a cockroach, but apart from that the pace is slow. And then fast. Then nauseatingly slow again. Nicholas Cage is the sort of actor who makes it difficult to distinguish of he is actually acting or just being himself. Here it couldn't be more obvious that he cannot act to save his life.