(HORROR) The Bell Witch Haunting - 2013 *

Can you take a film seriously if it's got a poster that looks like this? Why would anything based on true events look like a cartoon doll from
Probably not, and even less so if the story is so bad. Which it is. Disregarding certain discrepancies (it being February and people wandering about in their bikinis) the film does one of those styles of starting at the end, then jumping backwards and forwards like a tiddlywink.
It seems that the Bell Witch, America's most famous entity, is back slaughtering young and stupid teenagers. And the whole thing is being filmed as though we are sitting on a boat that's about to capsize. It's very badly made and very badly acted.

(HORROR) Mr Jones - 2013 **

Mr Jones is one of those films you would probably have to watch a number of times for it to make sense. But most people wouldn't want to watch it more than once, because it's a bloody nightmare (literally!).
A couple go to a cabin in the woods to work on a documentary and become embroiled in a strange battle with an mysterious figure, known only as Mr Jones. It turns into a massive acid trip in a strange alternate universe and I became less and less enamoured with it as time went by. Just a mess, and the result of a director thinking too much and trying too hard to be 'different' and 'clever'.

(HORROR) Delivery: The Beast Within - 2013 ***

Firstly, the poster doesn't relate to the film at all. The film doesn't involve any sort of  'ghost girl' or a creepy old room with a baby cot. But apart from that, the film is pretty creepy. It revolves around a young couple who agree to document their first pregnancy for the purposes of a reality TV show.
It starts off well, and the baby appears healthy, but then things go wrong, the couple fight and things get very tense and heated. Things start going downhill, fast.
Not a bad effort, and I liked how it was all set up.

(HORROR) Jug Face - 2013 ***

Obviously with a title like 'Jug Face' it's hard to take the film seriously, and actually it did make me snigger throughout for its ludicrously stupid storyline, but overall it's not too bad. The premise is bizarre - a young teenager Ada, is pregnant with her brother's baby and lives in a disturbing backwoods community, where the local celebrity is a man who carves faces out of jugs which symbolise the people who are to be routinely sacrificed into a large pit in exchange for the community's health and longevity. No one knows from day to day who will be the next to be sacrificed, and when Ada finds her face on the next jug, she becomes scared (understandably) and hides it. This leads to others being sacrificed in her place.
It's a novel idea for a horror film, and I don't think I've ever seen anything like it.
Strange overall.

Gone Missing - 2013 ****

 

 

Gone Missing is a good film. I do enjoy movies about missing people (how sadistic does that sound!) and this was a bit of a corker. Two girls go missing on their Spring Break, and their mothers both realise that their parenting skills are completely off the mark and that they don't know their daughters quite as well as they had hoped.

The acting from the girls is good, and although the mothers are both irritating they still don't come across too badly, expect being at separate ends of the spectrum - one is completely smothering and the other lets her daughter do whatever she wants.

Films like this need to be seen, because this sort of thing is happening still and girls are constantly going missing when they go on holiday together.

Dom Hemingway - 2013 *

 

 

'Raucously entertaining'?! Where are these reviewers from?! Dom Hemingway is appallingly bad. Jude Law's character is not the sort of person you want to see coming at you down the street. And the whole film consists of him either swearing, kicking, fighting, punching, killing or disrespecting anyone who gets in his way. Law's characterisation of an ex-convict sent down for something he didn't do and hell-bent on revenge probably suits him quite well, but he's still extremely unlikeable and makes everyone who is watching wince whenever he appears.

Shame that Richard E. Grant was in this too, because I admire him a lot as an actor, and feel that this was a big dip in his career.

When a film is this unpleasant and can only be told by swearing and violence you know it's not a good film.

 

 

Some Velvet Morning - 2013 ****

 

Wow, this is immensely clever. And what a bizarre twist which I NEVER saw coming. I love it when films do that. After an affair some time ago, Fred turns up on his former mistress's doorstep claiming out of the blue that he has left his wife to be with her. The only problem is, she hasn't seen him for a long time and has now moved on with her life and started to date other people.

She's also not particularly keen to see him again after all the agro she went through last time when they were seeing each other. Fred doesn't seem to understand or appreciate this and plonks himself down on the sofa poised to stay. He doesn't even take the hint to go when Velvet explains she really has to be somewhere. And then things take a strange and disturbing turn.

There are only two actors in this, and there is minimum movement except walking around two rooms of the house. And still, the two of them manage to keep you gripped for the entire movie. And it's passionate, haunting and utterly surreal, until the end, when it all becomes clear.

I really liked it, and for a film that I imagine to be quite low budget and independent I really think Neil Labute has done exceedingly well in creating this beautiful piece. Sometimes films are all the more creepy when they at first seem so utterly normal, and then descend into something else.

(HORROR) The Perfect House - 2013 *

Absolutely appalling movie that tries so hard to be exciting and new, but just ends up being as bad as all the other horrors out there.
A young couple (the woman is wearing white stilettos..) go to view what they think is going to be their dream house and are met by a disturbingly slutty looking estate agent with her cleavage out who rolls around on the bed and whips her hair back and forth. (Just a tad odd). This seems to convince the man however that he wants the house immediately, regardless of the fact he hasn't really seen any of the house itself. As she explains to them about the basement, we are shown a flashback of three horrendous stories, each involving crazy lunatics who massacred people down there. They really are very bad, and the first flashback is hilariously shown in black and white (because apparently the 1970s, 80s or 90s didn't have colour). The acting is beyond appalling, and my friend and I actually joked at the beginning that it was the sort of script you would get in a porn film, before realising that it was disturbingly similar to one.
This was just dire.

(HORROR) The Dyatlov Pass Incident - 2013 **

For anyone actually interested in finding out about the real Dyatlov incident it's pointless to bother with this film. It doesn't explain anything, except *spoiler* that people disappear into a disjointed wormhole where past and present are mixed up in the most ludicrous, deranged fashion (like an drug addled episode of Dr Who). Also, I noticed that one of the actresses from Hollyoaks graced the film with her presence, so obviously her career has gone down the toilet to say the least. She says many memorable things throughout the film, such as how cold it is and how she doesn't want to be there because it's cold, as well as it being hard to film because... it's cold. How she ever got a part in anything is beyond me.
The acting was horrendous and utterly weird. A no-no.

(HORROR) The Den - 2013 ****

A young woman studying social sciences tries to get a grant to study the habits of the people on an online chat room. At first she is disappointed because there doesn't seem to be anything worthwhile in her findings, that is until she uncovers what she believes to be a horrendous murder taking place before her very eyes that someone has posted. Desperate to find out more, she ends up putting herself and others in mortal danger.
I was surprised at this, and liked the way it built itself up to a horrific crescendo.
For a 'found footage' movie, it was pretty good, quite unique, and kept me interested the whole time.

(HORROR) Oculus - 2013 ***

"Oculus' tries to be original, tries to be quirky and tries to be unique. On some levels its pretty good, and I haven't seen anything like it before. On the other hand its too much of an arty mishmash to be anything other than a mess of director s and writers trying to be too clever. The idea of a haunted/cursed mirror has been done before, but even so its never been done in this manner, and certain parts are genuinely frightening. Overall though, the two main characters are ridiculous. The girl comes across as though she's taken a hearty suck on a bong and hasn't quite come down, and the bloke doesn't fare much better. The film combines the past lives of the brother and sister with the present, as all the awful things that happened when they were younger centred around/next to the star of the show; the mirror. The mirror makes normal people do horrible things, and turn into vicious psychopaths, and will take said people 'into the parallel universe. It's all a bit complicated. Worth a watch I guess.

Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret - 2013 ***

Really creepy movie, about a woman named Jodi who becomes obsessed with a religious man she meets named Travis. Travis isn't after any sort of commitment unless it's with someone from his church (although he's happy to jump into bed with her as much as possible) and this leads to mixed messages, added to which his friends aren't all that keen on her either. Jodi obsessively believes they are meant to be together forever and hopes they will get married, and Travis already has his eye on a new woman he feels he is more suited too. It's just that by the time he gets round to telling Jodi about his true feelings, she is already in too deep and he has no escape. 

Disturbing and I'm not sure how realistic it is. 

(HORROR) Dark Feed - 2013 **

Oh what an ingenious idea to make a film about a group of film makers making a film, how utterly unique. Except no, it's not, and I'm amazed that the same people who wrote 'The Ward' actually had a hand in this. 

The group of 'filmmakers' are a bit of a motley crew, and decide to save a bit on their budget by filming in an abandoned hospital which gradually sends them all insane. For some reason there is also a vague attempt at humour, but it fails miserably, in fact making the whole thing a lot more disturbing and there are the typical close ups of large chests and dumb blonde bimbos for the gormless male audience.  

The Husband She Met Online - 2013 ***

What actually happened here? It was like the director suddenly decided he had to drop everything with only a day's notice. The story, having started out at a good pace about a successful businessman who meets and falls in love with a beautiful and attentive woman suddenly takes off at a roaring pace and within twenty minutes *spoiler* the woman is chained to the bed, the couple are married, the woman is kidnapped by the husband who has suddenly turned into a maniac of epic proportions, the couple are found and the husband is arrested. It's a bit of a shame, because it could've been a much better film if it had slowed itself down a bit. 

Compulsion - 2013 ***

I don't know what I was expecting with this film, but whatever it was, it didn't happen. In fact nothing happened. The most shocking thing according to film critics was how much padding Heather Graham was wearing to 'big herself up' into a typical 1950s housewife. Apparently the look made her 'a bit overweight' which scared the living daylights out of me, as there is nothing overweight about her and makes you worry about the American size system. 

A woman obsessed with food spends her days cooking amazing meals for her grumpy, parrot obsessed boyfriend who couldn't be less interested in her if he tried. An anorexic, former child star moves in across the hall and doesn't speak to anyone for love nor money. 

Gradually the pair open up to each other and form a bond that proves fatal.

A strange film, very weird and quite surreal, just appeared to move a bit slowly. 

The Big Wedding - 2013 **

Considering the massive stellar cast I was disappointed at this rather unfunny 'comedy' about a motley crew of characters when all congregate together when a relative is getting married. Robert De Niro is the father who has to pretend that he is still happily married to Diane Keaton in order to convince his son's stepmother of the traditional ways of their family. In reality he has been in a relationship with Susan Sarandon for eight years.  What follows are a series of embarrassing moments as the wedding gets closer.
Its moderately okay, but it wasn't as good as I had hoped.

(HORROR) The Last Exorcism Part II - 2013 **

After the pandemonium of the first 'Exorcism' film, this second one follows Nell in the years after her exorcism. Believing that is cured from her past experiences, she takes a job as a chambermaid in a hotel and lives in a girl's home. However, it is not long before she starts experiencing strange things, and a close relationship with a co-worker at the hotel that appears to be going well ends in tragedy.
I didn't enjoy this as much as the first film, and couldn't quite come to grips with Nell as a normal girl in a normal environment.

Delivery Man - 2013 **

Only Vince Vaughn could willingly take part in such a stupid film and get away with it.
David is an underachiever who works at his family butcher shop, and earns ridiculously low pay. To make matters worse, he is being chased by scary men who are after a huge amount of drug money from him that he will not be able to repay. Oh, and his girlfriend has just found out that she is pregnant.
Things are not going well for him. But one day when he comes back from work, he is confronted by a lawyer who tells him that because of his regular sperm donations years and years ago he has fathered 533 children.
142 of these children have started a lawsuit against the fertility clinic to release the identity of the man who fathered them.
Eager to see how his brood has turned out, David stalks each of his children, finding any little thing he can do to start a conversation of give them some support.
Before long, the thugs catch up with him, and he decides to sue the sperm bank for damages.
It's a very silly, and completely ridiculous film, and I must say, that although Vince Vaughn is quite funny, I'm getting a bit fed up of him playing the same pathetic characters in each movie.

The Bling Ring - 2013 ***

I'm pretty obsessed with the Bling Ring at the moment. I've been reading up on the true story avidly for some time, watched the film and got the book. I'm not sure what it is about the events that have captured my attention so much, but there appears to be a fine line between the fact that what the group did was illegal, but also that they did something so brazen and gutsy that they have amassed a great deal of admirers. They are in effect, now celebrities in their own right, which is ironic considering the reasons they committed the crimes was down to an obsession with fame and fortune.
They are idolized but hated at the same time. That's what makes the story all the more jaw dropping.
Although the character's names have been changed in the film it's quite obvious who is meant to be who. Emma Watson is the standout character, playing the role of Nikki (based on Alexis Neiers, who I have to say is my 'favourite' member of The Bling Ring). She and her friends live in the affluent area of Calabasas in California. By all accounts they have everything they could want. Except for one thing. They are all celebrity obsessed and fame hungry. One evening, the lead of the group Rebecca (based on Rachel Lee) takes a new friend from school to Paris Hilton's house after finding out that she will be away at an awards ceremony that night. Her friend comments that only Paris Hilton would be stupid enough to leave her house key under the mat. He is correct. They enter the house and in Rebecca's own words "go shopping", making off with money, bags, clothes and alcohol from Paris's house. This triggers off a chain of robberies that lead to the notorious group of 7 being known as the 'Bling Ring'. I am fascinated by what drives these people. I am also fascinated by how easy it is to rob a celebrity's house. The film alone is maybe not outstanding (although it does have a beautiful Sofia Coppola theme and cinematography) but if you put it with the real facts as well as the novel you have one explosive, controversial subject that will go down in the annuals of celebrity for years to come.

Warm Bodies - 2013 *

'Warm Bodies' probably only really strikes a cord for the obsessive 'Twilight/The Walking Dead' fans who enjoy the surreal 'dead boy/alive girl' ratio.
That annoying bloke from 'About a Boy' spends his days wandering around 'undead' in an airport after a post-apocalyptic disaster with loads of other zombies craving human flesh. He bumps into a girl who isn't 'undead' and falls for her. It's like a horrendous zombie Romeo and Juliet escapade.
I didn't like it.