Sunday, July 13, 2014

(HORROR) Among Friends - 2012 ***



Average, independent horror movie about a group of self obsessed friends who go to a lieder mystery evening held by the snobbiest friend of all. Things start getting a bit creepy when she goes loopy and starts cutting off her friend's scalps and decapitating their fingers after revealing home truths about each one of them. 
It's quite original and not badly acted although a bit silly.

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

(HORROR) The Appearing - 2014 *


Oh dear. Not a good film. An abandoned building that a family decide is the perfect place to be (when will these people learn??), a scary Patrick Swayze clone who can't act, a load of 'scary' pop up moments that make you chuck water over yourself (by mistake, not because they are any good). It's a poor excuse for a film. It's really not worth watching. I saw this right after 'The Quiet Ones' thinking it couldn't be any worse, but actually...

Almost Married - 2014 *


I think maybe film directors are really scraping the barrel now. There doesn't appear to be ANYTHING left for them to make a film about. This is the all time low.
Emily Atack plays Lydia, the gobby, chavvy fiance of Kyle. 
Kyle has recently got back from his stag do where most of the events are a blur. He's brought Lydia a gift, in the form of an STI. Lydia has no idea, except that it burns when she wees. Kyle must now try to convince Lydia not to have sexual relations with him until after the wedding (being on a course of antibiotics until then).
Whoever was paid to come up with this stupid story needs a smack over the head. It's utterly ridiculous, especially the 'twist' and deeply unfunny. In fact, it makes you squirm to watch it.



Monday, July 07, 2014

The Libertine - 2004 *


Mournfully depressing movie about the notorious womaniser the 2nd Earl of Rochester. We know it's going to be depressing because one of the first things he says to the audience is how much we are going to dislike him. I suspect this is supposed to be 'quirky', but it's really not. Johnny Depp is a fantastic actor, but even he couldn't do much with this. Most of the movie consists of swearing, depressing conversations about how unpopular he is, screaming matches with various women he has been bedding, and a lot of emphasis on a huge plaster cast of a penis that keeps appearing in a play that has been put on for Rochester's pal Charles II. I must say that Malkovich does a pretty good English accent, well to be honest they both do, but why either of them chose to be in this film is a mystery to me. It wastes two talented actors and doesn't show their acting abilities in a good light at all. 

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

(HORROR) Oculus - 2013 ***



"Oculus' tries to be original, tries to be quirky and tries to be unique. On some levels its pretty good, and I haven't seen anything like it before. On the other hand its too much of an arty mishmash to be anything other than a mess of director s and writers trying to be too clever. The idea of a haunted/cursed mirror has been done before, but even so its never been done in this manner, and certain parts are genuinely frightening. Overall though, the two main characters are ridiculous. The girl comes across as though she's taken a hearty suck on a bong and hasn't quite come down, and the bloke doesn't fare much better. The film combines the past lives of the brother and sister with the present, as all the awful things that happened when they were younger centred around/next to the star of the show; the mirror. The mirror makes normal people do horrible things, and turn into vicious psychopaths, and will take said people 'into the parallel universe. It's all a bit complicated. Worth a watch I guess.

Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret - 2013 ***




Really creepy movie, about a woman named Jodi who becomes obsessed with a religious man she meets named Travis. Travis isn't after any sort of commitment unless it's with someone from his church (although he's happy to jump into bed with her as much as possible) and this leads to mixed messages, added to which his friends aren't all that keen on her either. Jodi obsessively believes they are meant to be together forever and hopes they will get married, and Travis already has his eye on a new woman he feels he is more suited too. It's just that by the time he gets round to telling Jodi about his true feelings, she is already in too deep and he has no escape. 
Disturbing and I'm not sure how realistic it is. 

(HORROR) Dark Feed - 2013 **



Oh what an ingenious idea to make a film about a group of film makers making a film, how utterly unique. Except no, it's not, and I'm amazed that the same people who wrote 'The Ward' actually had a hand in this. 
The group of 'filmmakers' are a bit of a motley crew, and decide to save a bit on their budget by filming in an abandoned hospital which gradually sends them all insane. For some reason there is also a vague attempt at humour, but it fails miserably, in fact making the whole thing a lot more disturbing and there are the typical close ups of large chests and dumb blonde bimbos for the gormless male audience.  

(HORROR) You Can't Kill Stephen King - 2012 *



VERY bad. Very, very bad. A group of friends go to a lake where Stephen King is said to have worked and stayed and are murdered in ridiculous ways one at a time. That's pretty much the gist of the film. It's totally silly and not scary in the slightest, not even in a 'so bad it's good way.' Avoid if you value your time. 

The Husband She Met Online - 2013 ***



What actually happened here? It was like the director suddenly decided he had to drop everything with only a day's notice. The story, having started out at a good pace about a successful businessman who meets and falls in love with a beautiful and attentive woman suddenly takes off at a roaring pace and within twenty minutes *spoiler* the woman is chained to the bed, the couple are married, the woman is kidnapped by the husband who has suddenly turned into a maniac of epic proportions, the couple are found and the husband is arrested. It's a bit of a shame, because it could've been a much better film if it had slowed itself down a bit. 

Compulsion - 2013 ***




I don't know what I was expecting with this film, but whatever it was, it didn't happen. In fact nothing happened. The most shocking thing according to film critics was how much padding Heather Graham was wearing to 'big herself up' into a typical 1950s housewife. Apparently the look made her 'a bit overweight' which scared the living daylights out of me, as there is nothing overweight about her and makes you worry about the American size system. 
A woman obsessed with food spends her days cooking amazing meals for her grumpy, parrot obsessed boyfriend who couldn't be less interested in her if he tried. An anorexic, former child star moves in across the hall and doesn't speak to anyone for love nor money. 
Gradually the pair open up to each other and form a bond that proves fatal.
A strange film, very weird and quite surreal, just appeared to move a bit slowly. 

(HORROR) Devoured - 2012 ***



Not a bad movie. A young mother is working in America to earn enough money to send back to her mother to pay for her son's operation. She works the night shift cleaning in a restaurant and finds the work boring and demeaning, as well as come across some unpleasant characters who try to take advantage of her. Before long she starts to see things that aren't there in the dead of night, alone in the restaurant, and is unsure whether she is going mad or not. Lead actress was a good choice.