Dom Hemingway - 2013 *

 

 

'Raucously entertaining'?! Where are these reviewers from?! Dom Hemingway is appallingly bad. Jude Law's character is not the sort of person you want to see coming at you down the street. And the whole film consists of him either swearing, kicking, fighting, punching, killing or disrespecting anyone who gets in his way. Law's characterisation of an ex-convict sent down for something he didn't do and hell-bent on revenge probably suits him quite well, but he's still extremely unlikeable and makes everyone who is watching wince whenever he appears.

Shame that Richard E. Grant was in this too, because I admire him a lot as an actor, and feel that this was a big dip in his career.

When a film is this unpleasant and can only be told by swearing and violence you know it's not a good film.

 

 

(HORROR) The Mooring - 2012 *

Another pathetic excuse for genuine horror, this movie takes awful actors and clumps them into an even worse setting where they have to be weaned off their addiction to technology (surely there are worse addictions you could have?!) and in doing so, mean a scary girl with yellow teeth who's boyfriend is a total nut job. The acting is so bad it makes you want to throw yourself out of a window. It's definitely one of the weakest storylines in a horror as well.

(HORROR) Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones - 2014 **

 

The weakest of the Paranormal Activity franchise, this movie isn't good. It's disjointed and the story rolls backwards and forwards, all over the place. A young boy begins to experience strange things after the peculiar death of his neighbour, and after a while finds out that he has been 'marked' by demonic entities as the next to go. It sounds like a fascinating premise but actually it's deeply unscary, with out of proportion jumps and bad acting. Keep to the four main films and give this one a miss.

(HORROR) The Perfect House - 2013 *

Absolutely appalling movie that tries so hard to be exciting and new, but just ends up being as bad as all the other horrors out there.
A young couple (the woman is wearing white stilettos..) go to view what they think is going to be their dream house and are met by a disturbingly slutty looking estate agent with her cleavage out who rolls around on the bed and whips her hair back and forth. (Just a tad odd). This seems to convince the man however that he wants the house immediately, regardless of the fact he hasn't really seen any of the house itself. As she explains to them about the basement, we are shown a flashback of three horrendous stories, each involving crazy lunatics who massacred people down there. They really are very bad, and the first flashback is hilariously shown in black and white (because apparently the 1970s, 80s or 90s didn't have colour). The acting is beyond appalling, and my friend and I actually joked at the beginning that it was the sort of script you would get in a porn film, before realising that it was disturbingly similar to one.
This was just dire.

(HORROR) Reel Evil - 2012 *

It's a shame that so many found footage movies have to be so awful and so very tedious. This is no exception, and though it looks highly ridiculous from the poster I had decided to give it a chance anyway. But I shouldn't have bothered. It was the same awful rubbish as I have seen countless times.
People have to film a documentary in an old building and become terrified by unseen ghosts and ghouls etc. Except we do see the 'ghost' and she's enough to give me a tremendous fit of the giggles. I should try and stop watching these types of movies because I am always disappointed, but somehow I can't quite press the stop button.

(HORROR) The Quiet Ones - 2014 **

 

For a movie that appeared to have so much advertising and excitement about it on it's release, it's mind blowing to think how awful and badly acted this film actually is.

Set in 1970s Oxford (it couldn't look LESS like 1970s Oxford if it tried) the film follows a professor who tries to dispel a myth of possession on tape and invites a handful of people to help him prove that it's all in the mind. They use a woman named Jane as their 'subject' and the film consists of them all experimenting on her and running around screaming in a country house.

I really think that this was a poor film, and it had no redeeming qualities to it at all, and I think that if they were planning on setting it somewhere as obvious as Oxford, that they could've tried a bit harder to make it look realistic.

 

(HORROR) Dark Feed - 2013 **

Oh what an ingenious idea to make a film about a group of film makers making a film, how utterly unique. Except no, it's not, and I'm amazed that the same people who wrote 'The Ward' actually had a hand in this. 

The group of 'filmmakers' are a bit of a motley crew, and decide to save a bit on their budget by filming in an abandoned hospital which gradually sends them all insane. For some reason there is also a vague attempt at humour, but it fails miserably, in fact making the whole thing a lot more disturbing and there are the typical close ups of large chests and dumb blonde bimbos for the gormless male audience.  

(HORROR) You Can't Kill Stephen King - 2012 *

VERY bad. Very, very bad. A group of friends go to a lake where Stephen King is said to have worked and stayed and are murdered in ridiculous ways one at a time. That's pretty much the gist of the film. It's totally silly and not scary in the slightest, not even in a 'so bad it's good way.' Avoid if you value your time. 

(HORROR) Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things - 1972 *

'Children Shouldn't play with Dead Things' is too unfunny to be a comedy, and too unscary to be a horror. It doesn't really fit into one category. There is one thing it is however, and that is ridiculously bad. The quality, both of the acting and of the film itself is dire. The plot is ludicrous ( about zombies and criminals and digging up bodies, all in the worst possible lighting). The director went on to direct 'Black Christmas' which is actually quite a good horror, but also directed 'Porky's' which is a ridiculous 'coming of age' comedy that makes everyone cringe now. It is clear he didn't know which genre to stick with.

(HORROR) Motel Hell - 1980 *

'Motel Hell' is a cult classic. I would assume from those 2 words that it would mean it's a good film. But it's not. It's pitifully done, poorly acted, and really very bad in all aspects. Even the 'hilarious' play on words of 'Motel Hello' turning into Motel Hell doesn't raise a smile with me. It's just not funny. And the tone of the cinematography is that of low budget rubbish.
Literally all you need is the quote on the poster and you know the whole film ('It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent Fritters').

(HORROR) Dark Circles - 2013 **

A bit of a disaster. A new family move to a quiet house in the country to raise their child, but almost immediately find they are seeing apparitions of a bloody woman in rooms, outside and in cupboards. Because of this, sleep becomes a distant memory. This slowly drives a wedge between the couple and they begin to turn on each other, not knowing what is real and what is hallucination.
Sounds like it might be quite good, but actually it has as many holes as a fishing net.

Dirty Movie - 2911 *

Well National Lampoon seems to be heading for a permanent fall. This was just another shocking attempt at comedy that was as funny as a hernia.
The idea of a film about making a film (oh, and it's chokablok full of perverted jokes) has been done before so wasn't really a treat. The actors all looked like this was their last chance at fame before they got a 'normal' job, and to be honest I'm amazed this was even given DVD release. Horrendous.

(HORROR) Sawney: Flesh of Man - 2013 *

This had surprisingly good reviews for a film about a cannibal so I wasn't too worried about watching it. It turned out however to be nothing like I had imagined. Awful. Diabolical even. 

Sawney Bean is a perverted, blood lusting lunatic who captures women on their way back from parties and clubs and cuts them up into little pieces. 

The acting was bad. And I didn't get much of a sense of the story which I had been hoping for. It's one of those legends that I don't know much about. 

I'll maybe research him a bit more, but by books, not awful horror films. 

(HORROR) Neighbor - 2009 *

 What is this film? What is the point of it? A woman moves into a house in a nice neighborhood and proceeds to go about murdering people who get in her way. People seem to be rating this highly, but why I have no idea. 

Please don't waste your time.

(HORROR) Watch Me 2006 *

A hideously awful film about a cinema student whose friends are murdered one by one after watching a video tape. That's original isn't it. Oh dear.

Vampire's Kiss - 1988 *

'Vampire's Kiss' is a joke of a film. It has a huge cult following due to one frankly forgettable scene involving ingesting a cockroach, but apart from that the pace is slow. And then fast. Then nauseatingly slow again. Nicholas Cage is the sort of actor who makes it difficult to distinguish of he is actually acting or just being himself. Here it couldn't be more obvious that he cannot act to save his life.

(HORROR) Citadel - 2012 *

'Citadel' has to be one of the worst horror films I have seen in recent times. The acting is actually appalling and the story is ridiculous. After losing his wife in a horrific attack by a group of feral children, the puny husband meets a priest who tells him that the children are after his baby and that they have to put a stop to them. Its just awful.

Someone to Love Me - 1998 ****

A sweet but troubled teenager is brutally raped by a fellow student but cannot get anyone to believe her when it comes to light that she has not only slept with him before but has a bit of a promiscuous past which can be used against her if the trial goes to court. Interesting to see how teenagers clump together in bad times even if it means covering up their friends' horrendous acts.

Shameful Secrets - 1993 ***

One of those films that makes you mad. Mad because in this day and age, it seems almost impossible to charge a man even if he has been beating up his wife and terrifying his children. This is the situation for a devoted wife and her two children who become victims of the husband's unpredictable anger and violence. One evening she makes the brave decision to leave him, but he's not giving in to get or giving the children back without a fight. Painfully real.

(HORROR) The Apparition - 2012 *

A couple begin to experience scary and unsettling things in their home which they later find out is the result of a college experiment that has unleashed something very evil into the air.
There is really not a huge amount I can say in favour of this film. Tom Felton from 'Harry Potter' is in it, but that doesn't mean much when you think of how awful the film actually comes across.
Not worth a watch.