Jamon Jamon - 1992 * * 1/2

A very weird film that only made a positive impression on me as regards to the food that they kept mentioning and the ham that they kept showing us in great slabs as we drooled over the screen. Penelope Cruz was very young in this and it really showed as her acting came across as weak and not very memorable. Obviously she was just beginning her impressionable career and would soon grow into her roles in later films. Cruz stars as Sylvia, who after finding out she is pregnant hopes to marry her boyfriend despite his parents negative attitude, mix this in with lots of food references and bizarre scenes including naked bull-fighting in the middle of the night and you have this film. I didn't really like the fact it was not one thing or the other. It wasn't fantastical enough to be as good as 'Delicatessen' or sexy enough to be 'Y Tu Mama Tambien' and so we are left with a bizarre mis-match of scenes and slightly unhinged characters. Not the brilliant film I was hoping for.

Never Talk to Strangers - 1995 * * *

I took a chance with this unknown thriller when I saw it on my tesco rental site and decided I had to see it.

I think there is a reason why this film hasn't gained so much acclaim compared to movies like 'Fatal Attraction' etc because it really can't compare in suspense or acting. Rebecca De Morney plays a psychologist who is regularly meeting a known rapist who hopes to be let off a hefty prison sentence when he shows that he commited his crimes in an act of insanity. She soon meets Tony (Banderas) and begins a relationship with him. Shortly after meeting him she starts to receive vile items in the mail and begins to think that she is being stalked. But who is doing it?

I must say I didn't guess the ending although I had started making mental notes of who it could possibly be and had disregarded that particular person because it didn't make any sense. Maybe it will to other viewers but I felt it was a cheap shot. Nice to see Banderas in a film from the 90s and he's got an amazing screen presence.

The Lodger - 2009 * *

I actually had the idea that this film was going to be a remake of the brilliantly chilling Alfred Hitchcock movie of the same name filmed in the 1920s. However, besides there being a lodger in the movie there is very little else to compare it with. Which is just as well really because it couldn't compare. A series of murders have taken place echoing a number of deaths that took place 7 years beforehand. It is up to the lead investigator and his side-kick to uncover the truths of who commited them before it is too late. Sound familiar? Well yes because you hear this sort of thing in almost every episode of CSI. The twist at the end is good and I didn't see it coming but it leaves a lot of plot holes open which is always frustrating for the viewer. Really the plot with the lodger and the whole scenario surrounding these deaths could be 2 seperate films. I must say I was more interested in the lodger and his strange behaviour than the murders.

Strait-Jacket - 1964 * * *

This wasn't a bad film but as Joan Crawford horrors go ( think 'Whatever Happened...' and 'Hush, Hush') it didn't compare. I found the best part of the movie to be the end where the twist knocks you totally out. Joan Crawford is still a very good actress despite having been at her peak 30 years beforehand but I feel she just seems a bit washed out now in this which is a shame as it could have been good. She was a gorgeous female in her young days and admired by many people for her looks and her talent but here it was quite sad to see how she's turned out. (In 'Whatever Happened...' she reportedly looked so dreadful and clown-like in her makeup that it was a relief for all when the movie was released in black and white although it was still pretty obvious that she needed a fair amount of slap to cover up her by now wrinkled face). Joan Crawford is one of those stars that I feel should have retired from the public eye at her peak and left everyone drooling after how beautiful she was instead of dragging out her last few years in movies that didn't really do her any justice. Better to leave on a high ie Jean Harlow, Marilyn and James Dean than to never know when your time is up.

Apologies for the long rant that is nothing to do with the film, but it is my blog!

The Titfield Thunderbolt - 1952 * * * *

Well really what can you expect from the good old guys from Ealing comedy? A lovely gentle and decent comedy that will actually make you care about the characters. Starring Stanley Holloway and lovely mild mannered John Gregson who I think is brilliant in 'Genevieve' this film follows the dedicated residents of Titfield who, after hearing that British rail is closing their beloved railway they decide to buy it and run it themselves. Of course there are obstacles from the other side who are determined to stop this outrage but this small group of determined and dedicated people makes it their sole mission to get the railway up and running again. A light and good-natured comedy that could be watched with the entire family which rarely happens these days and with a great cast ( most of the staples of the other Ealing films are present here).

The Sure Thing - 1985 * * *

This is quite a funny film. John Cusack is very young in it and in a way that makes him more appealing although I liked him a lot in '1408' and that was only recently really ( well the last ten years or so).

Walter is a young high school student who goes to visit his friend in California in the winter holidays on account of there being a hot woman (the sure thing) waiting for him. He had not counted on being stuck with the uninteresting, conservative and swotty Allison who is also heading out to California to see her boyfriend. As you can imagine the typical storyline goes ahead and the two end up falling for each other ( well come on I'm not spoiling it, it's obvious.) This pattern seems to be repeated constantly throughout films nowadays and I guess this must have been one of the first 'rom-com' films where this whole 'swotty girl falls for jocky guy' ( think 'She's All That' 2001 for a later re-doing or 'Never Been Kissed' ) situation has taken place.

All in all it was a funny film, and not too hard going so watch if you aren't looking for something with a lot of meaning ( you hardly find any in romantic comedies anyway.)

Coco Before Chanel - 2009 * *

With Audrey Tautou playing the lead how could this film fail? Well it's not that it failed exactly, more that it didn't concentrate enough on how Coco launched her mega famous clothes line that is now still idolized the world over. The parts we were shown ( Coco's upbringing with her sister and their quests to find happiness with men) weren't bad, but still slightly too drawn out. I did find myself getting a tad bored after watching Coco and her sister go on and on about eligible men for what seemed like ages and to top it all off ( if you know her story,) major parts of her relationships and life were left out which seems a totally idiotic concept to me. We spent ages watching her slow progression through her younger years and then all of a sudden we are plunged into the famous life of Coco Chanel - The Fashion Icon, followed shortly by the end credits. For someone who was interested to see how Coco went about starting her company I felt this was a bit of a cheap shot and didn't serve it's purpose. I'm glad I only rented it instead of buying it. On a plus side Audrey Tautou is gorgeous and like a French Audrey Hepburn.

Jennifer's Body - 2009 * * 1/2

When I started watching this film I actually thought it was going to turn out well. I know that Megan Fox is well known for not being able to string a sentence together ( just as well she's very beautiful) but I had heard she was actually really good in this.

To be honest half the time I couldn't tell if she was just being herself or trying to act in a weird, spaced out way ( and no it's nothing to do with the fact she's a weird demonic vampire-type creature which you could probably imagine would make you feel more than spaced out) that she thought was good acting. The story follows Jennifer, the beautiful and conceited cheerleader who all the boys fancy and her best friend, the quiet and retiring 'Needy' (played by Amanda Seyfried). Although being best friends they couldn't really be more different and when Jennifer persuades Needy to come with her to watch a new band play in a bar hoping to score with one of them the night takes on a strange and terrifying twist ( to them, not to us).

Some of the film is a bit eerie but most is just ridiculously stupid serving for nothing other than a platform to show Megan Fox off in a series of revealing outfits to the giggling teenage boys who have crept into the film illegaly to have a gawp. Not really a girl's film which is a shame as it eliminates half the population but still, films nowadays are all about the 'a** not the acting.'

Julie and Julia - 2009 * * * * *

One of the best films I have seen this year that made me crave cookbooks and bizarre ingredients. Based on two true stories that were interlocked together this story follows Julie Powell (played excellently by Amy Adams) in 21st Century America who decides on a wim that as her 30th birthday is approaching and she hasn't done anything of note so far in her life she will cook her way through Julia Child's 'Mastering the Art of French Cooking' in a year and blog about it at the same time.

As she becomes more and more engrossed in her cooking her relationship and job are both effected, causing her to make some major changes in her life. This is the 'main' story, although really I think both areas are given equal attention. The second story which parallels the first is based on the life of ground-breaking American cook Julia Child ( Meryl Streep shines through yet again) who dreams of bringing French Cooking into the home of the American Housewife. Her husband stands by her devotedly as they move to France for Julia to join Cookery College (an unheard of occupation for a woman in the 1940s) and supports her as she embarks on a huge career.

The mixture of both stories and the way Julie relates to Julia's work is amazing and had me rushing to Amazon.co.uk afterwards in order to look up Julia Child's most famous book. Anyone will like this film, but it helps especially if you are obsessed with food ( I definitely am!) and like taking risks with your cooking. One I will be buying to enjoy again and again.

Honey - 2003 * * *

I liked this film mainly for the dance routines but for not much else. And for Missy Elliott's mini cameo ( it lastly under 5 minutes in the whole thing so not much to write home about) Apart from that it just annoyed me. Jessica Alba made her name in this and her name was from then on a household name all around America. Men desperate for her and women desperate to be like her yadda yadda. However I can't see anything credible to say about it or her for that matter. Jessica Alba cannot act, she's incredibly preppy and over-the-top and her character adopted this bizarre 'I must help everyone who is less fortunate than me' stanza which seemed totally unlike her 'gangster, hip hop' character.

Her character Honey ( if that isn't a 'hoe' name in the 'hood' then I don't know what is) works in a dance club where she serves drinks and socialises with the customers, that is until the bell chimes for her end of shift and she rushes out onto the dance-floor to do weird, jutty movements and roll around on the floor soaking up the applause from the other dancers. By day she teaches ... you guessed it..a dance class for what I could only describe as 'disadvantaged lower class children'. Of course the children are all superb at dancing ( it's an unspoken rule in films like this that all poor children are great dancers, especially the boys with 'Lakers' t-shirts) and Honey really gets to yet again show off that she can wind and wiggle her body along to the latest music. During the film she meets some little kids who are having ... you guessed it.. a dance off outside the club she works at and she makes it her sole mission to help them all, while at the same time making it big in.. you guessed it... music videos where she will be dancing.

I mean this film is okay and I'm glad I've seen it but its nothing compared to something like 'Center Stage' which I think is superb so maybe I had better stay away from hip hop movies from now on.

Let the Right One In - 2008 * *

Why why why are people raving about this film after 2 years? In fact why did they rave about it when it first came out?? I tried to watch this film last year and gave up early on but recently I felt that I maybe misjudged it and should give it another go and so a few nights ago I did. And I felt exactly the same, except for the fact that I had to deal with the whole film this time as opposed to just a 1/4 of it. What was Tomas Alfredson thinking? Except for the haunting backdrop of the continuously freezing Swedish winter I really couldn't find anything of credit to excite me. The film circles around Oskar, a bullied and timid boy who spends his days at school being a target for horrible pranks and jokes amoung his classmates and his nights reading up on knives and murder weapons, hoping against hope that one day he will be able to put them to use.

One evening he meets the mysteriously and other-worldly Eli who can't eat or stand the sunlight. Gradually the pair form a bond that is to carry them through the ups and downs of the next few months.

Sounds like a good story? Well I thought so as well, but it's not the case, as the film moves so slowly that you can actually wander off to make a cuppa and come back to find you haven't missed a thing. Very little really happens for most of the film, but when it does happen it all happens at once in a sort of 'blink and you've missed it' pattern which leaves you feeling very dissatisfied and empty. Added to which the blossoming relationship between Oskar and Eli is not realistic at all, and you find yourself wondering if there is actually supposed to be any kind of chemistry, because they both act around each other like they are complete strangers.

I seriously don't understand the worldwide acclaim and excitement going for this movie and think that if audiences are really captivated by a story like this then the current state of film is in real trouble.

PS please don't start thinking I am someone who needs over the top action or violence to enjoy a film, (hence my long list of reviews already completed) but when a film is so incredibly slow and the acting is so wooden there is very little else I can think.

Easy Virtue - 2008

‘Easy Virtue’ sounded right up my street when I first heard about it. Based on one of Noel Coward’s brilliantly constructed plays I couldn’t see how it could go wrong. The film was originally filmed and directed by Alfred Hitchcock over 80 years ago and now taken on by Stephan Elliot (better known for directing Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, which gives us some prior warning as to how the film would progress.)
With a stellar cast including English heartthrob Colin Firth and American superstar Jessica Biel it seemed like the perfect antidote for a Saturday night in.
The first thing that disappointed me was how badly the characters interacted with one another. Kirsten Scott Thomas played the overbearing and ice-cold mother Mrs Veronica Whittaker with such gusto and passion that I found myself completely despising her character ( I think that is a good sign) and hoping that she wouldn’t take up too much of the film. Jessica Biel plays the fun-loving and glamorous Larita who marries Mrs Whittaker’s son John impulsively whilst on a racing car tour in Monaco. Understandably John is keen to show off his new bride to his family in England and takes Larita to his parents’ large and daunting mansion. However Larita has no idea that John is in line to be the next Whittaker to take over the house and proceeds to completely wreck Veronica’s ideal perception of her daughter-in-law by reading adult and explicit literature, refusing to go fox hunting and wearing outfits that Veronica finds repulsive.
Colin Firth’s performance unfortunately seemed totally washed out and exhausted in this movie which is a shame because he is usually on top form playing genteel society men (just look at him in Pride and Prejudice!).
I found myself likening this to plays by Oscar Wilde, although I found Wilde’s work to be lighter, more jovial and much easier on the eye. A film worth seeing for the gentle comedy and lovely location, but leave the genius of the double-entendre and side-splitting humour to Oscar Wilde.

Blue Crush - 2002 * * *

This wasn't a bad film, and for surf enthusiasts it was amazing. The surf scenes are top-notch and there is a fair amount of action mingled in as well. Kate Bosworth plays the main surfer who's dream is to make it big as the world-wide Surfer champion. However along the way she compromises her job, her friendships and herself. A good movie, but maybe I didn't get as much out of it as I don't know anything about surfing. However I remember wanting to watch this when it came out at the theatre 8 years ago so there must have been something good about it.

Precious - 2009 * * * *

What an amazing and totally controversial film. Precious is a morbidly obese, illiterate, angry teenager who is consistently raped by her father and abused by her mother. Expecting her second child by her dad she is enrolled on a special course in a different school to help her gain her education whilst managing her problems. The course is one thing, but having to deal with her mother when she gets home is something else. A totally scandalous film played very bravely by the lead girl who wasn't ashamed to show off her shape, this does deserve a wacth, plus Mariah Carey stars as her psychologist and I didn't even recognise her until the credits!

Doubt - 2008 * * *

This is a strange film. One that I'm sure if I watched a few times I would begin to find loads of spiritual symbolism in. The only trouble is I don't think I could stand to watch it again. The performances are brilliant, that is not what I don't like. I don't like the fact that there is no resolution to the film, and the event which is supposedly making up the whole premise of the movie ( the priest abusing the child) is barely given a look in. We are plunged immediately into the after effects of the supposed event with no idea ourselves how or when it has happened. I just think that the film doesn't concentrate enough on the part it's supposed to. Meryl Streep is amazing as the sinister and fear-inducing Sister Aloysius and Philip Seymour Hoffman excellent as the Priest suspected of abuse. Several parts of this film, although supposedly set in 1960s don't seem to make sense ( did they have chicken chow mein then? and portable radios that looked like i-pods?). Not really sure if it is deserving of 5 Golden Globe nominations.

Alice - 1990 * * * *

I've never really liked Mia Farrow until now, I always found her one of the most annoying actresses on the planet, especially in 'See No Evil.' She was brilliant in this.

Alice is a Manhattenite who is becoming suitably depressed by her marriage to her high-flying husband who never seems to notice her. On a visit to school to collect her children one day she sparks an instant attraction to a man also there to collect his child. This attraction manifests itself constantly in Alice's thoughts and effects her so badly that she develops backache because of it. She is referred to a herbal practitioner named Dr Yang who hypnotises her, and then finds out about her attraction to the mystery man.

This is a strange film, but has Woody Allen's mark all over it and that's good enough for me.

Whatever Works - 2009 * * * *

This film has been slated continuously since it's release and I must say I loved it. Starring that bloke from 'Curb your enthusiasm' it's bizarre and slightly creepy undertone makes this film like marmite, you either love it or hate it.

Boris is a moody and unsociable chess player who has no interest in any women or any relationship until he meets 21 year old Melodie by chance after finding her outside his home one evening. Although having nothing in common and despite the age difference Melodie and Boris get married. Melodie constantly trying to understand and share Boris's anti-people view of the world and Boris trying to make Melodie understand his political and intellectual perspective.

Woody Allen is still on top form with this movie and brings many laughs.

L'Avventura - 1960 * * * *

L'Avventura is one of the weirdest and most haunting films I have seen in a very long time. From Michaelangelo Antonioni who brought us the equally mesmerising and iconic 'Blow Up' this is an expertly put together motion picture that leaves you thinking about it for ages and ages afterwards. A small group of friends go for a day out on their boat and decide to spend the afternoon on the rocks of the island nearby. During the course of the afternoon one of the women who earlier played a heartless prank on the others disappears. I won't spoil any of the story for you but rest assured you are in for a tense and heart-stopping film, although my only criticism is that parts of the story are too drawn out and slow. After watching this film I have come to the conclusion that 'The Adventure' is not so much about the missing person but about the adventure the remaining relationships that she leaves behind become a part of. This is one of those films that many people who are into modern films critisise; not a huge amount of action takes place and we are instead left to confront the emotional relationships with the characters throughout the movie. This however is the kind of film I relish because of exactly that. Added to which there is this very weird sort of mysterious vibe throughout the whole movie that gives it a haunting element ( the black and white tone compliments it brilliantly). I have not seen the film with commentary but feel if I did it would elevate my 4 stars to a full fledged 5.

The Ghost - 2004 *

This is nothing like 'The Grudge' for a start although it is apparently a mixture of 'The Grudge' and 'Dark Water'! For one The Grudge is actually scary and is a well plotted horror film whereas this film is simply a big mess! The story is all over the place, the characters are the most annoying I have ever seen in an Asian horror movie and there is so much countless screaming and breathing heavily in this film that it gives you a headache after a while! Is it supposed to make up for the ghastly plot and distract you from wanting to pull your hair out?? This film is just a big mixture of lots of Asian horror movies, but it's all the very worst parts of them leaving nothing credible to call it's own. A total failure. I hope the next Tartan Asia I watch doesn't disappoint me so as the last two ( this and Silk) have really let me down.

Silk - 2006 * *

The idea for this film is actually a very good one. A group of scientists come up with an invention that allows them to moniter a real ghost by capturing it's energy. They do this with a little boy who then proceeds to continuously act out his mundane life before he died in front of their eyes which is exactly what they had hoped, however the boy cannot see them unless they catch his eye, which can be a lot harder to prevent than you would think. Some very eerie scenes involving the little boy but overall a bit slow for my liking as we don't spend enough time with the boy and spend the majority of the film with the other less interesting characters.

Clownhouse - 1989 * * *

Let's get one thing straight - clowns terrify me. I don't care how happy and genuinely funny they are, they freak me out so much I can't be anywhere near them. There is something so sinister about a clown with a painted on smile, as though beneath the smile there is an evil personality.
Because of this I have always had reservations about watching horror movies with clowns in fearing I would be so scared I woul have to switch the set off. However last week I made the conscious decision to sit through this film, and on my own to top it off! And I managed it!
This seems like the sort of film that young boys would sneak in to see on a friday night at the cinema but it really scared me. The whole concept of the story is based on a circus with three popular clowns who quite early on get massacred by three evil ones, who then take on their personas and costumes. A group of friends spend ages trying to scare each other with scary stories of clowns and one of the boys suddenly realises that the three 'cute' clowns are in fact very bad indeed. One of the scenes towards the end really terrifies me involving the boys house, in fact that's the kind of nightmare I would frequently have when I was younger and it's obvious the film makers know this as a popular children's nightmare. I was so pleased after finishing this film and realising that I was still alive that I went straight to sleep and didn't have any nightmares about the movie at all!

Paranormal Entity - 2009 * * *

Well I'm not sure how to rate this film. Aside from the fact that it's not 'based on real footage' it is not based on any real events either. I don't see why film makers decide that the only way they can market a film is to tell everyone the events have happened before. It just seems to show that the film can't be that likely to do well if there needs to be a lie to sell it properly.

Anyway as regards to the film itself it's pretty scary, although not a lot happens except a bloke wandering around with his camcorder filming unusual events like his sister lying in bed or his mother going crazy. Because you don't actually see anything I guess it's even more eerie but I just couldn't get past the fact that it was supposedly a blatent rip-off of Paranormal Activity.

It's worth a watch, but only just.

The Countess - 2009 * *

I tried not to watch this and 'Bathory' too close together as I didn't want one to hinder the other, but as it happens it didn't make any difference, for both of them were pretty bad. Maybe 'The Countess' was just a bit worse than the earlier one though. Julie Delphy is beautiful and a talented actress, and her actual portrayal of Erzebet Bathory was pretty darn good, but there just wasn't much going for the film. Everything just chugs along at a mediocre speed and only towards the end are we really introduced to the Countess's bizarre and sadistic streak. Having read quite a bit about the life of the Countess I found the whole approach to her crimes was taken ridiculously lightly. We are somehow supposed to believe that she doesn't have a bad streak in her and that she really is only thinking of her appearance in a sort of unselfish way. This is totally unrealistic as we know that she was a crazy, cold-hearted killer who didn't think twice about draining girls of their blood and so makes the film slightly off-kilter. Also, (not wanting to spoil the end) we are shown a completely fabricated and fake outcome to the last scene which really enraged me.

The cinematography and the beautiful scenery were the only plus points of the film and they each receive one star.

Silkwood - 1984 * * *

What happened to Karen Silkwood?

Karen Silkwood's fate is one of mystery and tragedy. The 28 year old's life was cut short after she crashed her car mysteriously into a tree one night after driving to a meeting regarding highly radioactive plutonium.

The whole area of Karen Silkwood's life is very bizarre and shrouded in intrigue.

Karen was one of the only people who actually wanted to change the way the Kerr-McGee plant (where she worked) was run and disagreed highly with how the company handled it's plutonium and how shabbily the staff are handling the safety reports which are sometimes forged in an effort to get more done in little time. When Karen finds this out she is immediatly alienated and humiliated consistently at in a way to get her to be quiet. When Karen is contaminated with the plutonium she finds out that the negatives of the photographs showing the metal that has caused her to become contaminted have been changed and she feels she can't keep her mouth shut any longer, with tragic results.

Meryl Streep is superb as Karen Silkwood and acts her part so painstakingly that you believe they are one and the same person. A film that needs to be seen, if only to uncover Karen's life.