(HORROR) The Chernobyl Diaries - 2012 ***

After feeling that I maybe hadn't given this film the time it deserved by shutting it off half way through the first time, I decided to brave it again the other evening.
Much of my feelings were the same however. The only thing I found interesting was the actual background to the disaster and the information regarding the city or Pripyat that the tour guide gives the characters at the beginning of the film.
A group of friends are travelling around Europe and decide to stop off in Ukraine to see a relation. The relation in turn suggests that they meet his friend Uri who organises extreme tours around Pripyat.
The next day they meet Uri, who drives them to the entrance of the 'zone of alienation' where they are met by guards, informing them that they will not be allowed any further. Uri doesn't take any notice however and drives the group another, secret way which only he knows so that they cane take photos and soak up the atmosphere alone. But then of course, the car stops working...
Well it's what you might expect, and it's quite a predictable film so it shouldn't in all honesty get a high mark. However I'm giving it three stars because I find this horrific and devastating disaster a lot more terrifying than any horror/slasher film I know of, and know that this will be something that keeps me awake at night for a long time coming.

Brothers - 2009 ***

I'm not sure what I thought of this film. It wasn't a particularly original plot ('Pearl Harbor' has to some extent been there and done that) but it was performed quite well with a knockout performance from Tobey Maguire.
Maguire plays a marine named Sam, who is presumed dead when his helicopter crashes over water. Sam's wife Grace (Portman) and his brother Tommy (Gyllenhaal) come together to support Grace and Sam's 2 young girls after hearing the awful news. You need to watch to see whether they actually become lovers or not, but when Sam is found, alive (albeit with hideous emotional scars) he immediately presumes the worst and becomes obsessed with the idea of his wife and brother.
I'm not sure how much of a good representation it is to someone who has been through the horror of war, although Maguire (in particular the kitchen scene) does astoundingly well in my opinion. You can literally see the pain etched into his face.
The other 2 are okay, and Portman makes a fair contribution as Sam's military wife/widow, but I think the 2 young daughters really stand out in their parts a little more than she or Gyllenhaal do.

I've Loved You So Long - 2008 ** 1/2

I adore French films, because usually the characters are so complex and interesting that you are desperate to watch their progression throughout the film until the last scene.
Kristen Scott Thomas is a good actress, and I've enjoyed many of her films, but I was left utterly cold by 'I've Loved You So Long'. She plays a woman who has to come to terms with integrating herself back into society after being in prison for 15 years for a crime that is only made clear towards the end of the film. I don't complain lightly when I say that the entire movie is simply scene after scene of endless depressing talks, looks and thoughts between her and her sister. She seems completely unwilling to change her personality, and cannot understand why the few people who appear to be standing by her start feeling like they are being pushed away. When you find out the nature of her crime, you are even more angry at her character which is consistently vacuous and vacant throughout with no supposed regret or remorse. I really didn't enjoy this film, and it makes you feel so very depressed afterwards. There is no resolution, no moral, nothing except bleak despair. If you want to watch that may I suggest something brain-numbing like the Kardashians?!

(NOIR) Edge of the City - 1957 ****

This was a brilliantly captivating film, and I found Sidney Poitier's performance to be totally gripping and heart-breaking.
Cassavetes stars as army deserter Axel, who arrives at the waterside of Manhattan looking for work as a longshoreman. He is lucky enough to find work under a man named Charlie, who turns out to be a vicious, racist bully when he finds out that Axel has become friends with and would rather work for a kind-hearted and decent man named Tommy. Axel decides he would be a lot happier working for Tommy after he starts renting a room close by to him, makes friends with his wife and starts a relationship with the wife's best friend. Charlie on the other hand is not happy with this, and will do anything he can to break up the friendship between the two men.
The film is captivating in many ways, mainly for it's plot content (an interracial friendship which was quite a daring topic for 1950s film) and for Poitier's acting which constantly blows me away in any film I see him in. You come away from the film wishing that if everyone had a friend like Tommy, then the world would be a much happier and serene place.
Watch this.

Cockneys vs. Zombies - 2012 ****

I was expecting this to be pretty unfunny but thought I would have a quick watch of the first ten minutes or so as I had nothing else to do. I was surprised how funny this was, and actually it was a well chosen cast in my opinion. Michelle Ryan is a bit annoying, but the other characters were all funny and suitably smarmy for a British zombie movie.
The funniest guy has to be Alan Ford who showed off his typical gangster trademark personality as one of the OAP's in a retirement home that is plagued by zombies shortly into the beginning of the film. It is up to him and his other friends there to battle their way out without getting eaten.
Funny film, I was surprised.

Don't Tell Mum the Babysitter's Dead - 1991 **

The scariest thing about this film is Christina Applegate's massive eyebrows which take over most of her scenes with abject force.
The movie itself is a bit stupid. It's I suppose trying to follow along the same sort of lines as 'Weekend at Bernie's' and while that was hilarious from start to finish, this one fails miserably and doesn't deliver any sort of humour to it's audience. A mother leaves her five children at home alone for 2 months while she goes on vacation, and during that time (well, to be honest, about 2 days after she's gone) the babysitter dies. Keen to have the place to themselves and not worry their mother, the siblings make a pact not to tell her what has happened and instead try to run the house themselves for the remainder of the time, making more and more mess and mistakes as they go along. It's not funny.

(HORROR) Home Movie - 2008 **

This is an appallingly acted film. I always hone in on horror films that feature evil children because they are usually a lot scarier than adults. However these 2 children were awful. I can't tell if they are just very bad at acting or whether they are meant to come across as the vacuous, dull characters that they do.
It's basically a movie documenting the descent of this family into a terrifying madness caused by the 2 children who seem to be unhinged and dangerous. The father insists on documenting absolutely everything so a lot of the film is taken up with menial junk such as having breakfast, watching TV and going for walks around the garden.When the climax comes, it's predictable, stupid and not in the least bit frightening. Better to watch something like 'Children of the Corn' to see really frightening children.

FAQ About Time Travel - 2009 ***

Three friends sit in a pub dreaming about building a time machine and how they would use it. One of them visits the toilet and when he returns everything has changed drastically. From then on, the trio are kept apart, brought together, and introduced to new and bizarre characters.
It was quite funny, and quite a good idea for a film, but I can't say I was shrieking with laughter at every second. You'll most probably recognize all three main actors from other things as well.

Van Wilder: Party Liaison - 2002 **

'Van Wilder' is just not a funny film. Ryan Reynolds is awful and since Tara Reid went on Big Brother expressing herself as such a vapid and dull human being I can't say I was impressed by either of them. Van Wilde has been going to school for 7 years, and he's doing just fine. He's not actually doing any proper work, but he's getting a lot out of the social and party scene which comes with each year of new talent. He's the kind of guy women hate who thinks he can just snap his fingers and you come running. Tara Reid, plays a boring, journalistic nerd who has no romantic interest in him and just wants stories for her newspaper. They meet, they get on, then they don't, then they do, she's got a boyfriend, he's single but wants her, bla bla bla. The typical American formula for all rom-coms. Boring.

Four Lions - 2010 *** 1/2

With a film as questionable and taboo as this, you really have to try and see the funny side and not offended. Yes of course any act of terrorism is horrific and unforgettable, but this film is trying to put a lighter spin on things, which I suppose to a wider audience could go either way.
Four completely idiotic British jihadists go off to learn how to become professional terrorists, the end goal being them blowing themselves up. Obviously this sort of thing does happen and so it is quite a tender subject, but the film is not in any way trying to insult or degrade the victims of attacks like these, more show how young, dumb and inexperienced terrorists usually are in the lead up to these dreadful incidents and how little they actually know and understand of what they are about to do.
It's funny, so give it a watch, and don't feel guilty.

LOL - 2012 ***

Okay, I have always been one who found Miley Cyrus an infuriating person, both in Hannah Montana and in real life. However, I have to say that she can act. Her performance here was solid and at times, quite gripping to watch. She plays Lola, or LOL for short who has to navigate her way through teenage life at school with her friends, potential boyfriends, and at home with her over-protective mother (played rather unconvincing by Demi Moore) and distant father.
Not a film to watch if you want to be uplifted, because to be honest it made me cry at the end, but there you go.

My Week With Marilyn - 2011 ***

Not a bad film. Michelle Williams was nowhere near as good playing Marilyn as I had hoped though. I think the fact of the matter is that no one can replicate Monroe, however hard they try. If they could she wouldn't be the most iconic star in the whole world. And I think that's nice. Eddie Redmayne plays a young stage hand named Colin who is lucky enough to get to work with Marilyn for a week when she is shooting her new film 'The Prince and The Showgirl.' He witnesses her highs and lows, her amazing screen presence and her bewildering insecurity. It's a nice film in itself, but I don't think Williams and Redmayne were well cast, although Kenneth Branagh is well placed as Laurence Olivier.

All about the Benjamins - 2002 ***

Ice Cube's a pretty funny actor. I've watched a few of his movies now and they all make me chuckle a bit. This movie sees Ice Cube as a bounty hunter embroiled in a diamond scam. It's action and comedy mixed together. Worth a see.

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo - 2005 ***

Another quite funny offering from Rob Schneider.This takes on an almost identical form to the last movie, although this time it's set in Amsterdam. Schneider is good in small doses, but I'm glad I've exhausted his films for the time being.

Keith Lemon: The Film - 2012 ***

My boyfriend told me this was a ridiculous film and not worth seeing but I still thought I should see it anyway as it looked rather amusing. 

It was amusing, and Leigh Francis is a funny guy, but my other half was right, in that there wasn't much filling to Keith Lemon's part. It seemed just a platform to show off all his well known characters and give other 'celebrities' cameo appearances. The story itself was poor, and I think it might have worked better if his character had been fleshed out and the cameos/characters had been taken away so that we could focus on seeing what he is actually like as an actor. 

Le Rayon Vert - 1986 ***

Eric Rohmer is a master at projecting the thoughts and feelings of characters going through different stages in their lives onto the screen. Here he does so with a gentle tenderness as we are introduced to a young woman named Delphine who has broken up with her fiance and is fed up with constantly being pitied by her friends and family. She has no one to go on holiday with after she is stood up by a friend and so bravely decides to go alone, encountering a variety of men and women along the way, all the time trying to rebuff the men's advances on her. I loved the imagery of the hot, French summer, but I found Delphine to be an infuriating wimp of a character. 

House Party - 1990

Dear god you can tell this is 1990. It's so dated and it beggar's belief how normal people went out in public with hair cuts like the 2 above.
Martin Lawrence only has a small part but apparently the two main actors on the poster are well known as comedic stars. It's quite funny. A bit like 'Superbad' in a way, in that the whole film revolves around a big house party and how all the various characters are trying to get there and stay there throughout the movie. It's awfully cheesy in some scenes, and because of this it's a bit off-putting. I adore old films going back to 1920 so it's not as though I am one of those shallow people who finds any film made before 2000 'old', but sometimes films like this do not travel well through the years and just need to be left alone. It hasn't aged well.

(HORROR) AB Negative - 2006 *

A hideously bad movie. Badly made, ridiculous plot and horrible camera work that seemed to make everything worse. The idea of harvesting human organs is quite a delicate subject but was (excuse the pun) mercilessly butchered here. I might recommend this movie to my worst enemy to waste their time, but no one else.

The Wrong Road - 1937 ***

A young couple robs a bank and then hides the money somewhere that only they can find it. They then end up in jail and have to serve considerable sentences before they can be reunited with their money. The trouble is, when they do get out they are being pursued by the man's cellmate and an investigator, both on a trail for their vast sum of stolen loot.
Surprisingly enjoyable, although sadly very bad quality.

Prometheus - 2012 ***

I can't say I understood much of 'Prometheus', which is probably because I haven't seen all the 'Alien' films. From what I did understand I liked, and I thought the CGI was very well done. The main actress had a punch-inducing face, but apart from that it was quite gripping. Will have to see the other films though to appreciate what is going on.

(NOIR) Woman's Prison - 1955 **** 1/2

I wasn't expecting much from this noir. It's set in a woman's prison for one thing, and I doubted how good the acting would be from the female stars, especially when one of my least favourite actresses Ida Lupino was playing the psychotic prison warden.
I couldn't have been more wrong. The acting was superb in my opinion, with standout performances from Jan Sterling and Cleo Moore (who is one star I will be looking out for in future movies) and you really become involved in the individual stories of each of the convicted women. Very good.

(HORROR) The Cabin in the Woods - 2011 **

All these reviews on the poster make out like this film is something special. Something unique. It really isn't. The whole 'You think you know the story. Think again' quote is defunct. For one I don't think I know the story because there isn't one, and secondly I have no wish to think again about it anyway.
This is just your average horror with some jumps, some bizarre sci fi undertones and a general helplessness that comes with every scene.
Boring.

Did you Hear About the Morgans? - 2009 ***

I was surprised by this film. Mainly because both the leads are annoying beyond belief normally and their acting leaves far too much to be desired. This wasn't a clever or intelligent film, but it was light, quite amusing and had a nice ending. The Morgans are separated, with both  trying to move on with their lives because of Hugh Grant's infidelity. The one time they decide to meet up for dinner to talk, they witness a murder, and are bundled into the Witness Protection Programme, meaning that they can have no contact with any family, friends or work colleagues. They are taken to a little town hundreds of miles away to stay with the sheriff and his wife in an attempt to ingratiate them into society there. It starts off quite a difficult task for 2 New York obsessives who are normally on the go constantly, but they do end up liking their new surroundings. The only thing is, can they get past their difficult feelings for each other?
I'll give Hugh Grant his dues, as he's pretty funny here,and maybe I will one day be able to say how excellent S-J P is as well...

Movie 43 - 2013 **

A series of bizarre and insane stories all connected by a hopeless producer trying to think of new ideas to pitch. They are all a massive head trip (who thinks of Kate Winslet having dinner with a man with massive bollocks on his chin?) but not actually funny. It's just too weird to be amusing. It's strange that these well known actors would lend themselves to something like this. It won't look good on their CVs. 

Night at the Roxbury - 1998 **

I can't say this is very funny. It's too extreme. I know that this is a film of the TV series but it doesn't appear to have translated well into a movie. It's like all the unfunny parts of a very funny film. It just doesn't work. Will Ferrell is rarely worth a smile and I don't think he got one from me here. There are many more genuinely hilarious comedies from the 90's without having to waste time with this.