Gone Fishin' - 1997 *

'Gone Fishin' is not a good film. It's not funny, it's got Danny Glover in it (who cannot act for toffee) and it's just all round boring.
Two fishing enthusiasts go on a trip together to Florida and get caught up in a criminal ring when their car is stolen. I think putting these two actors together is a big mistake and I really didn't enjoy it.
Bad.

Warm Bodies - 2013 *

'Warm Bodies' probably only really strikes a cord for the obsessive 'Twilight/The Walking Dead' fans who enjoy the surreal 'dead boy/alive girl' ratio.
That annoying bloke from 'About a Boy' spends his days wandering around 'undead' in an airport after a post-apocalyptic disaster with loads of other zombies craving human flesh. He bumps into a girl who isn't 'undead' and falls for her. It's like a horrendous zombie Romeo and Juliet escapade.
I didn't like it.

Take Me Home Night - 2011 **

A ghastly rom-com. None of the characters are likeable, they all seem to have one purpose in life - to get drunk and go to parties (except for Anna Faris who is the biggest attention seeker ever and keeps going on about having a letter from Cambridge but not wanting to open it).
There is the usual big, unfunny bloke with curly hair who doesn't have any aim or goal in his life, and there is the typical suit-wearing 'I'm quietly intelligent yet also a complete snob' bloke too.
All romantic comedies, or even comedies full stop nowadays are filled with stereotypical characters, and it really annoys me. Also, the woman that one of the pathetic men is after (usually one from school/uni/work/the one that got away) is not only a total b**** but also not much to look at. There, that wraps up the film. Lots of drinking, doing drugs, trying to get off with women who are horrible, and soul searching about how pathetic life can be.
Not what you would call an uplifting film.
2 stars for 'Video Killed the Radio Star' at the beginning.

(HORROR) Deadly Blessing - 1981 **

Stunningly bad horror where nothing much happens except lots of bad acting and stupid murders. If Sharon Stone was put in this to boost ratings it failed miserably. One scene involving a spider stands out. Horrible cyanotype style filter made the film even worse.

Me and You - 2012 *

Very slow film about a quiet boy who pretends to be going on a week long school skiing trip and instead spends the week in his mother's basement with his favourite food and books.His tranquility is disturbed by the arrival of his stepsister who is in the middle of coming off drugs and needs a place to crash.
It's not much of a film, and the lead actor is incredibly annoying and uncommunicative.

(HORROR) The Apparition - 2012 *

A couple begin to experience scary and unsettling things in their home which they later find out is the result of a college experiment that has unleashed something very evil into the air.
There is really not a huge amount I can say in favour of this film. Tom Felton from 'Harry Potter' is in it, but that doesn't mean much when you think of how awful the film actually comes across.
Not worth a watch.

(HORROR) Funhouse - 1981 *

Absolutely awful film. One I had waited so long to see and then when I got to see it I realised how bad and tasteless it was. Not so much scary as thoroughly stupid and incredibly boring. A waste of time. When you think of how genuinely scary other films such as 'Halloween' were in the next few years it's such a let down. Offended on Tobe Hooper's behalf.

The Hangover III - 2013 **

It's just as well this was the last film of these comedies because I know I wouldn't of watched the next one. Same sort of routine, although really doesn't have anything to do with the last two movies. The funniest character was Chinese - says it all really. I just feel that these films were never particularly good, they just arrived on the scene at a time when America was only shelling out awful comedies, and I suppose they were a bit unique. Or rather, the first one was. The second one wasn't so much, and this one had no clue what it was doing (neither did the formless, idiotic characters). This time the group are in Las Vegas. Oh joy.

(HORROR) The Messengers 2: The Scarecrow 2009 *

 

 

I was genuinely loved the first film. It was SCARY. It had a good plot, and made me not want to go to sleep with the lights off. This sequel (disturbingly having gone 'straight to video') was diabolical. It's one of those films you will confuse with another manic scarecrow-ish monster in a similar film (Jeepers Creepers 2) and still find it awful.
There is no story, except that the main character is in danger of losing his home which conveniently happens to back onto a massive crop field. It then transpires somehow, that there is a hideous scarecrow intent on evil deeds who wants to kill him and his wife and children.
That appears to be most of the story.

Grown Ups - 2010 **

In 'anticipation' of the new Grown Ups 2 movie, I thought I should watch the first one. Oh no no no, what a mistake. This was awful! Adam Sandler and Chris Rock, I command you to step away from Kevin James and David Spade this instant or your acting careers will be flushed down the toilet.
A group of old school friends mourning the death of their favourite coach, decide to spend a weekend together, honouring him, getting drunk, mucking around, being immature, disrespecting their wives and injuring each other in the name of 'masculinity.' It was boring, unfunny, and I barely raised a smile. It's not a nice 'feel good' film, more a warning to all those who think they are 'missing out' on being young and foolish, when in fact, they are just sad and pathetic. *sigh*

Freddy Got Fingered - 2011 **

For such a cult film with a massive following I thought this was going to be hilarious, but in all honesty I can't understand what all the fuss was about, and only raised a smile a couple of times throughout the whole film. Tom Green overacts, but not in a clever, 'I'm taking the mickey out of this kind of film' way, more in a total lack of understanding what funny means. The famous quotes you hear bandied about come swift and fast, without really standing out (give me Bogart's last line in 'Casablanca' any day) and I was left straight-faced by the whole film.

I've Loved You So Long - 2008 ** 1/2

I adore French films, because usually the characters are so complex and interesting that you are desperate to watch their progression throughout the film until the last scene.
Kristen Scott Thomas is a good actress, and I've enjoyed many of her films, but I was left utterly cold by 'I've Loved You So Long'. She plays a woman who has to come to terms with integrating herself back into society after being in prison for 15 years for a crime that is only made clear towards the end of the film. I don't complain lightly when I say that the entire movie is simply scene after scene of endless depressing talks, looks and thoughts between her and her sister. She seems completely unwilling to change her personality, and cannot understand why the few people who appear to be standing by her start feeling like they are being pushed away. When you find out the nature of her crime, you are even more angry at her character which is consistently vacuous and vacant throughout with no supposed regret or remorse. I really didn't enjoy this film, and it makes you feel so very depressed afterwards. There is no resolution, no moral, nothing except bleak despair. If you want to watch that may I suggest something brain-numbing like the Kardashians?!

(HORROR) The Cabin in the Woods - 2011 **

All these reviews on the poster make out like this film is something special. Something unique. It really isn't. The whole 'You think you know the story. Think again' quote is defunct. For one I don't think I know the story because there isn't one, and secondly I have no wish to think again about it anyway.
This is just your average horror with some jumps, some bizarre sci fi undertones and a general helplessness that comes with every scene.
Boring.

(HORROR) Mother's Day - 2010 *

 

For me, 'Mother's Day' was one of those films that I had started trying to watch twice and had given up on. This third time I forced myself to sit down and watch until the end which I did, despite wanting to get up and run away a number of times. I've watched an awful lot of horror films, but this seemed unnecessarily brutal and pointless.Just for no reason at all we were subjected to scene after scene of stabbing, impaling, cutting, shooting and other delightful images which made me feel sick. The storyline (which always seems to be the way) was virtually non-existent and Rebecca De Mornay gave one of the most boring performances of her life as the deranged mother, out to mutilate and abuse anyone who hurt her children. It was all too cliche and things happened for absolutely no reason at all. Now I understand that I have a sixth sense when it comes to awful films that tries to stop me wasting my time, in true fashion I managed to completely ignore this mental warning and have thus subjected myself to this film three times.

Here Comes the Boom - 2012 **

This is such a stereotypical American movie. A bit like 'School of Rock' but even worse and barely funny at all. Kevin James seems to know only one character, that of the bumbling, useless joke of a guy who messes everything up but deep down has a good heart. It's not an awfully becoming trait, especially for this actor, but he seems to display it down to a fine art here. Because of school cut-backs and low funds, certain areas of the establishment are having to be cut. This includes the music programme which many of the students are a part of. James decides to help the music teacher raise the money by becoming a wrestler so that he will walk away with money regardless of whether he wins or loses. Unfortunately it appears that losing is his middle name. It's not a brilliant film, and I wouldn't feel I had missed out if I hadn't watched it. Bit boring and a bit of a waste of time.

(NOIR) The Racket - 1951 *

 

This was a downright awful film. I found it slow, uninteresting, badly acted, and with about as much entertainment value as a lump of wood. Robert Mitchum was barely acting and just seemed to float around the office, Lizabeth Scott irritates me beyond belief and I cannot stand to watch her. Every film I have seen her in has just incensed me more as she tries each time to be a carbon copy of Lauren Bacall and fails miserably. Notably because Lauren Bacall can actually act... The story was dire. I can't recommend this to anyone.

 

(HORROR) When the Lights went out - 2012 **

Well when the lights went out I very nearly fell asleep. I genuinely thought this might be a scary film after all the excellent reviews and praise that had been lavished on it upon it's release. I understand people want a film to show a gradual build-up of tension, but this was so slow by the time anything happened it just wasn't scary. A light kept swinging backwards and forwards and a family walk around a house swearing at each other and slapping their daughter. That's about it. Even towards the end it's so predictable. Sorry, two thumbs down from me.

(NOIR) The Gangster - 1949 *

Oh dear. This is one of the very weakest noirs I have seen and I'm pretty sure the acting was some of the worst as well. I have never heard of Barry Sullivan which is probably a good thing given that he has as much star quality as a damp tea cloth. 'Belita' (who is apparently so wonderful that she doesn't need a surname) was equally as bad and did a lot of moaning and crying and long drawn out looks at Sullivan. (All her years as an ice skater obviously didn't help her acting skills). The story is predictable (a man controlling an underground racket) and the ending is also predictable. In fact, most of the film is predictable. I wasn't predicting how bad literally EVERY actor would be in their part however. That did come as a surprise. It was as if each actor had only been given 10 minutes to rehearse before being filmed. 

Chromophobia - 2005 **

One of those awfully bleak films where everything is going wrong for all the main characters and you don't know whether to feel sorry for them or to despise them for the ridicculous choices they make. Kristen Scott Thomas acts like she's utterly deranged and Penelope Cruz is a deeply unpleasant human being. I liked the soundtrack (The Thieving Magpie in particular) but I can't find anything credible about this movie. In short, one of those films where you finish watching it and find yourself in the slough of despond.

Deceived - 1991 **

A very poor offering from Goldie Hawn. This was a mediocre thriller with a mixture of paranoid tension and then boring sub-text. Hawn meets the man of her dreams (or so she thinks) and they get married. She then learns that he has perished in a car accident and is devastated. However, before long she is learning dreadful things about her seemingly perfect husband. Rather boring, the characters are all disfunctional and I really found the film dragged.