(HORROR) The Perfect House - 2013 *

Absolutely appalling movie that tries so hard to be exciting and new, but just ends up being as bad as all the other horrors out there.
A young couple (the woman is wearing white stilettos..) go to view what they think is going to be their dream house and are met by a disturbingly slutty looking estate agent with her cleavage out who rolls around on the bed and whips her hair back and forth. (Just a tad odd). This seems to convince the man however that he wants the house immediately, regardless of the fact he hasn't really seen any of the house itself. As she explains to them about the basement, we are shown a flashback of three horrendous stories, each involving crazy lunatics who massacred people down there. They really are very bad, and the first flashback is hilariously shown in black and white (because apparently the 1970s, 80s or 90s didn't have colour). The acting is beyond appalling, and my friend and I actually joked at the beginning that it was the sort of script you would get in a porn film, before realising that it was disturbingly similar to one.
This was just dire.

(HORROR) Donner Pass - 2012 **

This was a strange film. Based on the legend of (yes, you've got it) Donner Pass. A place where a group of people were stranded over 150 years ago and forced to eat each other. Fast forward to the present day and you have a group of annoying teenagers (how unusual) who are being targeted by an unknown assailant who appears to want to eat them. (Why are all 'targeted teens' in theses films so unlikeable and stupid?')
I'm all for legends, but when you incorporate it with such ridiculous people and such a dire ending, you realise there is nothing left for horror as a genre to offer.

(NOIR) They Made Me A Killer - 1946 **

This was a really dire film. The quality was awful which didn't help, but there were no credible or standout performances at all.
A young woman sets out to prove a man has been wrongly convicted of armed robbery and murder. In the process she puts her own life at risk from the violent gang who did perform the task.
Miss this.

Jack Reacher - 2012 *

What a dire movie. Tom Cruise, your career is over!! Jack Reacher incorporates a sort of trampy Robin Hood who goes around killing the baddies to save the goodies. All very nice in a fantasy world but not so good in real life.
Just a complete mess.

House Party - 1991 ** 1/2

The first 'House Party' was pretty dire, so what possessed me to watch the second one? I have no idea. Contrary to reviews I preferred this one. It was funnier despite the fact it went way off track regarding the original story. Still, there are funnier films out there, and even though Whoopi Goldberg appeared briefly at the beginning it didn't raise the tone of the film much more.

(HORROR) Halloween 3: Season of the Witch - 1982 *

I'm not sure why this movie had nothing whatsoever to do with the characters from Halloween. It completely threw me and probably other viewers off the trail and was a waste of time.
The acting was awful, and I really don't understand what the point was in having this extra film stuffed in between the second film and the forth (both of which are  to do with Michael Myers). You don't even need to see it really, because I barely took any of it in and I'm pretty sure that I didn't miss any of the 'Halloween' plot.

(NOIR) The Racket - 1951 *

 

This was a downright awful film. I found it slow, uninteresting, badly acted, and with about as much entertainment value as a lump of wood. Robert Mitchum was barely acting and just seemed to float around the office, Lizabeth Scott irritates me beyond belief and I cannot stand to watch her. Every film I have seen her in has just incensed me more as she tries each time to be a carbon copy of Lauren Bacall and fails miserably. Notably because Lauren Bacall can actually act... The story was dire. I can't recommend this to anyone.

 

(HORROR) Crazy Eights - 2006 **

Crazy me for watching this more like? Usually horrors that centre around old hospitals, sanitariums, mental institutions etc are pretty creepy. These kinds of films are usually shot in genuine locations and so that makes them even weirder.
This was (by the looks of things) shot on location and still managed to be a garbled mess. I'm not even sure what the story was because my mind started wandering pretty soon after it had started. I can honestly say though, that this was one of the films I had been looking forward to watching, and as usual I had been disappointed.

(HORROR) Breadcrumbs - 2011 *

Hideous. Crap. Dire. What else can I say? This is not 'terrifying and original' like the reviews say. The children are supposed to be scary but they end up being hilarious. One has a massive load of blood on one side of his face and the other is ginger beyond compare. A film crew hoping to film an adult movie find a cabin that they think will be ideal. However the two children keep appearing and then go crazy and tie them up. All sorts of silliness ensues and the end thank god comes just in time.

(NOIR) The Gangster - 1949 *

Oh dear. This is one of the very weakest noirs I have seen and I'm pretty sure the acting was some of the worst as well. I have never heard of Barry Sullivan which is probably a good thing given that he has as much star quality as a damp tea cloth. 'Belita' (who is apparently so wonderful that she doesn't need a surname) was equally as bad and did a lot of moaning and crying and long drawn out looks at Sullivan. (All her years as an ice skater obviously didn't help her acting skills). The story is predictable (a man controlling an underground racket) and the ending is also predictable. In fact, most of the film is predictable. I wasn't predicting how bad literally EVERY actor would be in their part however. That did come as a surprise. It was as if each actor had only been given 10 minutes to rehearse before being filmed. 

(HORROR) Madison County - 2012 *

OH.NO.NO.NO. This was dire. Awful. Stupid. UNSCARY. Nothing original whatsoever about a group of people on a trek to Madison County to research a serial killer and then getting picked off one by one by the same killer! I could hear myself explaining to the television what was going to happen 10 minutes before it did. No excuse for this.

Class of 1984 - 1982 *

Dear God what a ridiculous and hideous movie. How could something like this be made?? I thought sequels of horror films were bad, but this was on a whole new level of dire. I'm hoping against hope that the Mark Lester who directed this isn't the same one who played Oliver Twist in the musical?!
Pupil/teacher revolution is always a difficult subject to cross, and I'm sorry to say that this failed miserably. Too 'punk era' for me. Look out for a very young Michael J Fox.

Back to School - 1986 *

A truly dire excuse for a movie. The main actor is really eerie as the father of a boy who doesn't want to go to college, but decides he will when his father agrees to enrol with him. His father ends up being the most popular and exciting student, throwing the most exciting parties etc but it doesn't help his son. Even Robert Downey Jnr couldn't save this.

Rodney Dangerfield is horrible, he looks like he's wearing a Halloween costume the whole year around.