Ringmaster - 1998 ***

This was a very weird film, made even weirder by the idea of Jerry Springer playing himself.

A story of a group of characters who, one way or another decide to make sure they get a free trip to New York to star on the Springer Show, whatever the costs. This might involve sleeping with your daughters' boyfriend or sleeping with your girlfriend's best friend, but they don't care. All along sort of giving off a 'trailer trash' vibe.

Jaime Pressly is now in 'My Name is Earl' which I can't stand, and I'm pretty sure she plays the same sort of character there, maybe because she can't phyiscally play anything different. She strikes me as a bit of a 'blonde bimbo' really.

Cul-De-Sac - 1966 *

I felt awful saying this but I felt really let down by this movie. Maybe I didn't understand it but I found it drawn out, flat and completely lifeless.

A married couple live in an isolated castle near the sea which becomes the centre for 2 gangsters on the run from the law. The husband and wife couldn't have less in common if they tried, and what starts off as them working together to try to free themselves from the captors turns into a rather nasty experience where the girl starts to side with the bad guy.

I barely recognised Donald Pleasence and I'm not entirely sure why he was cast in a film like this. I think he stood out like a sore thumb.

I didn't enjoy it, sorry.

The Belles of St Trinian's - 1954 ****

I've seen this and I've seen the newest version of St Trinian's, and I can safely and happily say that I much prefered the original. Alastair Sim is hilarious as both the headmistress and her brother, who find the school in dire straits due to unpaid bills (Miss Fritten prefers to stash all the money she makes away in a safe rather than use any of it to pay the school bills!) and so come up with a scheme that involves a rich new student whose father owns a racehorse. Chaos ensues, but it's all good fun and Sim is one of the only actors I know who is equally believable as a woman. For although you know it's him dolled up in women's clothes you sort of forget once you get into the story. My advice, watch this, forget the remake.

I Confess - 1953 ***

Monty Clift has never put in a bad performance in everything I have seen him in, and here he plays his role with such heart-felt agony that you feel desperately sorry for him. He plays a priest who hears a confession to murder from a man who has recently killed a lawyer. As priests are bound to their word Clift cannot tell on the man or let the police know what is happening, even when the net starts to close in on him as being the guilty suspect.

Anne Baxter was pretty good, but she appeared to have overplayed her part a bit here, would rather watch her again in something like 'The Blue Gardenia.' Look out for Hitch at the beginning of the movie in his usual, light-hearted cameo. As though anyone could forget who has directed any of his movies!

My Left Foot - 1989 *

The reviewer on the poster above says that this film makes you ''laugh out loud with joy.' Really?

Are we watching the same film? Because it seems to me that this is one of the most depressing films I have actually seen in my life.

First things first, Daniel Day-Lewis is an amazing actor, and I don't believe he has ever been in a dud movie. He is full of expression and passion in all his roles, which made it all the more strange that he was the lead role in this, based on a true story about a boy named Christy Brown who is paralysed and can only write, draw etc with his left foot. I'm not saying it doesn't blow your mind to think that someone can actually function that way but I would imagine if that is your only way of being able to communicate with the outside world then you would make a jolly good effort at trying anything.

The performance was spot on, but I just found the subject matter too upsetting to really relax and start enjoying the movie. I know there were funny bits in it but I couldn't get past feeling totally dreadful for Brown and his predicament which I'm sure he would frown on. Not in a pitying way, more that life is dreadfully unfair in how it treats innocent people, but one thing is for sure, and that is that he certainly made the most of his life.

The Blob - 1988 **

Okay, I only watched this because I found this DVD lying around and couldn't see anything else at that particular moment. Oh, and because I thought it would be one of those, 'that was so bad it was actually good' films. It was actually just so bad that it was bloody awful.

It wasn't scary, it was dreadfully acted and the blob itself was hilarious, including in the scene on the front of the DVD where the bloke is literally suffocated by a large ball of what can only be described as mucus, giving off the most hilarious effect where his nose and mouth are pulled right back as though he's seriously gurning at the camera.

The rest of the film was a blur of awfulness. And unless I'm really lucky, I can't quite imagine the original movie being any better.

(NOIR) While the City Sleeps - 1956 *****

C'mon, if it's done by Fritz Lang you know it's going to be superb, and this movie was.

I just love the concept, a movie made about what happens while your normal, everyday people are tucked up in bed.

The results are tremendous. You have Vincent Price as the heir to a newpaper, television station and news service via wire. Instead of deciding for himself who should run the divisions he lets the heads of each one fight it out amoungst themselves.

Each head has one specific person fighting their corner, and Dana Andrews is one of them.

It's just a wonderful film, fair enough it's a bit later than your typical film noir but the performances are so gritty and realistic that you wouldn't have a clue. I loved it. More from Mr Fritz Lang, he's a genius.

'10' - 1979 **** 1/2

This was a hilarious film, and even more so because some of the scenes I found myself howling in laughter at weren't actually supposed to be funny!

The one that had me in tears of laughter involved Dudley Moore and a mouth full of Novocane trying to answer the phone to Julie Andrews who mistakes his incoherent mumbling as the sign of a madman and calls the police!

There were so many funny parts to this movie that the time just flew by and I was sad to see the end.

I also liked the premise of the film, owing to the number 10, the number which both men and women aspire to be, 10 being a perfect woman/man. Moore has just celebrated his 40th birthday and is having doubts about his life, so despite having a lovely, beautiful and intelligent girlfriend Sam (Julie Andrews) he becomes obsessed with a mystery woman whom he perceives as 'perfect.'

I won't spoil it for you, but suffice it to say, we find out that there is no such thing as a perfect person (although I think most level-headed, mature adults know that already)

Music by Henry Mancini, so you know that's going to be a hit too, and Bo Derek's first film!

Risky Business - 1983 **

So this is the film everyone rave about where Tom Cruise is dancing around his living room in his underwear?

I can't say I was altogether impressed with this movie. Cruise in his first feature role already seems to cocky and self-assured which seems to overshadow the fact that he's not actually a very good actor. He's too over the top for my liking. Too 'typical American boy' who thinks too much of himself.

After being left in charge of the house when his parents go away for the weekend, Cruise orders a prostitute for a laugh, not knowing that she has a seriously mixed up past which she ends up dragging Cruise headfirst into.

The only film I have ever really liked Cruise in was my old favourite 'Top Gun', but that was more because I loved the film as a whole. Here we have too much time to gaze on Cruise frolicking around around in his underpants and driving his parents' car like a total moron at 100 mph after he is confronted by the prostitute's pimp.

He comes across as too arrogant for us to be sympathetic to, but too needy for us to take him seriously as a young man. Just a very weird film.

She-Devil - 1989 **** 1/2

I found this on an old DVD and assumed I would be sitting down to watch a Hammer Horror movie, and so was slightly confused when I found myself in hysterics watching a dark comedy with Meryl Streep and Roseanne Barr. I have NEVER heard of this movie which is totally bizarre because I really enjoyed it and it has one hugely famous star in it!

In true revenge style, Barr is the frumpy and unattractive wife of a cocky and seemingly arrogant accountant. When she finds out that he has started an affair with the beautiful, famous and rich author Mary Fisher (Streep) she exacts revenge, in some rather interesting but totally unforgettable ways.

This is a funny film but it seems to have some underlying issues about fidelity and superficial lust which sadly crop up too often in everyday/celebrity life. Well worth a watch to have a chuckle!

The Crush - 1993 ****

I was really excited about watching this film. Mainly because I love movies about obsessive relationships/crushes/unrequited love etc. And I also think Cary Elwes is a pretty good actor.

I cannot quite believe that this was Alicia Silverstone's debut performance as she was excellent in her role, and I noticed many traits that would soon become her trademark moves in later films (i.e. her hair flipping, biting her lip).

She plays a 14 year old girl who becomes infatuated by Elwes when he moves into the house next door. At first he is flattered and sees her as a friend, but when her attentions begin to interfere with his work, home life and relationships he realises that she has a serious problem. But has he realised in time?

A very good eerie film with 2 very good performances (does anyone prefer Silverstone's brown hair to her blonde hair in 'Clueless'? I do) that demands to be watched.

(NOIR) Apology for Murder - 1945 ****

I adore film noir films. They are perfect for a cosy, rainy Saturday in front of the TV. I have seen a fair few, and many are left to watch, but I'm always worried that I'm going to run out of really spectacular ones, and therefore am getting more into B-Movie noirs as time goes by. Many people dismiss B-movies without giving them a chance and sometimes they are right to, but I must say, all the B-movies I have ever seen have not disappointed me and they give you a much bigger scope when it comes to experiencing new films. Added to which, they are usually a lot shorter than normal feature lengths, and you can therefore fit more in which is always a bonus for me.

Apology for Murder is relatively unknown, but Ann Savage, the main star (also starred in 'Detour') is excellent in her role as the greedy wife of a rich man who decides, with her willing lover, to bump him off and claim his cash. Very much along the same lines as 'Double Indemnity', but with a slightly easier story to follow, in many ways 'Apology for Murder' is actually superior to the other. Savage has wetted my appetite for more B-noirs, and I will be keeping my eye out for her other films.

Heathers - 1988 ***

A very nasty movie. One that doesn't really qualify as a 'school movie' because it's far too dark.

Winona Ryder attempts to fit in with the popular crowd at school known as the Heathers. Although popular, they are hated rather than adored and all secretly miserable. She wants to be a part of their group, but also hates them enough to kill them. Que Christian Slater who is an outsider with his own style and look. He hooks up with Veronica ( Ryder) and the two decide that they cannot allow the Heathers to continue their torment on the nerdy and timid members of the school, and so they hatch a plan to get rid of them, one by one.

It's quite a good idea for a story, and I for one can remember wishing the popular group at school would just disappear and stop having this weirdly invisible hold on everyone else.

Towards the end of the film however, it becomes almost like a psychotic thriller which is deeply unsettling. I got the distinct feeling that I shouldn't be watching a film like this because it made me feel strange, but I managed to hang on until the end.

(HORROR) The Deaths of Ian Stone - 2007 *

This was ridiculously bad. I am trying to watch all the AfterDark HorrorFest movies and so far have not enjoyed a single one of them.

A young man is murdered everyday, and everyday has to adjest to a new life as a group of totally unscary vampires in leather catsuits chase after him in an attempt to 'feed on him'.

A totally bizarre film ( isn't that woman the one from 'Hustle'?) that was more unsettling than scary. In fact it was just rubbish.

(HORROR) Whisper - 2007 *

Sort of a mixture of 'The Omen' and 'Esther', athough this movie failed to deliver on all accounts, including being well acted or having a good plot-line. the actor playing the young boy was so annoying I couldn't focus properly much on the other characters, but it seems to me that they were all equally uninteresting and not properly 'fleshed out'. Also just generally boring. I didn't like it.

(HORROR) Black Water - 2007 *

Of course I was drawn to this movie because of the 'based on true events' posted across the front of the DVD box. I still haven't been able to grasp that that rarely means any of the story is true, and still keep going back for more each time. Suffice it to say, I was disappointed with 'Black Water', as 3 people go fishing in a remote part of Northern Australia, and end up being almost held hostage by a giant crocodile who has already eaten their guide. The whole time I was watching this I was thinking 'why would you be so stupid to go off somewhere so remote in an area that is known for crocodiles?'. Any sympathy you have for these people sort of disappears quickly as the film progresses.

(NOIR) The Glass Key - 1942 ***

It's hard to follow this story, but whether you understand it or not it's still fun to watch the gorgeously sultry Veronica Lake in a movie simply made for her, as well as getting my first glimpse of Alan Ladd who is probably one of the best film-noir cool guys that there are, along of course with Bogart and Cagney.

Actually I found Brian Donlevy pretty funny as well, and typically classic in his style and personality. I love old films, and even if the story was somewhat questionable I can still enjoy watching these amazing people do what they do best. I'm very wary about reading anything more by Dashiell Hammett since my last experience with reading 'The Thin Man' and so may put off reading this novel.

(HORROR) Grace - 2009 **

Oh my god, what a dreadful evening for films, what with this and 'Mega Piranha' I may just give up watching films all together.. No I won't. But it makes me want to when I see this kind of tripe.

A woman miscarries and decides to go ahead and deliver the baby anyway. The baby comes back to life and all it seems to want to do is drink human blood (Yeah yeah).

To be honest I guess I chose this film to see because I was hoping for some gore so I shouldn't be moaning that it's as rubbish as I thought it probably would be.

Mega Piranha - 2010 **

I seem to be obsessed with forcing myself to watch awful movies. Especially 'creature features' which are NEVER as good as I think they are going to be. 'Mega Piranha' was pretty ghastly, with a load of people who looked like other people that had been extras in other bad movies, so it was great fun trying to pick those out. It was about the only thing I could do to not be bored senseless. No more, I will force myself if necessary to not watch anymore hideous 'films' like these (see how long that will last)

(HORROR) Dahmer - 2002 **

Based on the life of the serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer I was rather disappointed by this film. It claims to be a biopic but seems to seek to show us this cotton wool version of this man and the crimes he commited, almost trying to justify them because of his broken childhood. Many people come from broken homes without turning into a sadistic killer. I think too often crimes commited by people are justified because of their past, which rarely actually has much of an impact on their present situation. Dahmer's parents divorced, big deal, parents divorce all the time, some children grow up without a mother or a father, it has no baring on the mind-set of someone that would convince them to murder and dismember 17 other human beings. We can only assume that Dahmer is somehow mentally handicapped or insane. The person who plays Dahmer portrays him as this rather lost and timid man who just wants to be accepted because of his sexuality as though this somehow excuses his appalling crimes.

As one reviewer of the film pointed out, if Dahmer saw this he would roaring with laughter at how he is imagined by American cinema, for there was nothing timid or innocent about his cruel sadistic mind, which masterminded a very clever but very twisted individual.

(HORROR) Cropsey - 2009 ****

I was expecting to find this film pretty laughable, but came away feeling very unhinged and overly disturbed. What starts as a documentary about an Urban Legend turns into a sort of True Crime investigation into the disappearance of several mentally disabled children who go missing in Statton Island in the 1980s and the eventual arrest and trial of the lunatic named Andre Rand who is convicted of their brutal killings. We never know for a fact whether Rand is the actual killer or just singled out because of his weird and bizarre behaviour, (one theory is that he murdered children who had a disability in a way of cleansing the world of 'abnormal people', a bit like Jack the Ripper who was said to have killed prostitutes because he thought he was 'cleaning up the streets) but the film-makers do a good job of showing us plenty of footage from witnesses, relatives and people of interest who all paint a terrifying picture of this man.

I love documentaries about serial killers (I know, I know, that makes me sound mentally unhinged), but I did find myself thinking that I was watching two different programmes, one on an urban legend and another on a specific person who may or may not have been guilty of these heinous crimes. Take out the Urban Legend about 'Cropsey' and you would have a 5 star documentary.

Caramel - 2008 ****

A surprisingly riveting film, that merits more than one viewing. It centres around a group of friends who work in a Beauty Parlour in Beirut, and the trials an tribulations that they each have to go through in aspects of their lives and relationships. One is fixated on her affair with a married man, another is a shy lesbian who has feelings for one of her clients, another cannot bear to tell her husband-to-be that he won't be her first lover on their wedding night which could have her imprisoned.

Each story is interesting without going over the top with realistic acting.

Great to see into another world where religion and tradition are so completely alien to the way that Western society is.

(HORROR) Thir13en Ghosts - 2001 ***

Eerie I'll grant you that, but seriously, could this be anymore cliche and 'typical' of an American horror film? A family inherits a weird glass house from a rich, newly deceased relative and get caught up in a load of terrifying ghostly happenings. Too much noise, too much stupid conversation, and you already know what's going to happen... All the reasons to avoid this film.

A Tale of Two Cities - 1935 *****

Wow. I thought that Dirk Bogarde's portrayal of Sydney Carton was one of the best I had seen, but Ronald Colman just blew my mind. His timing, his expressions, his acting, his just general prescence as this character was overwhelming. I honestly don't think anyone could bring Charles' Dickens hero to light like this man.

Most people know the story of A.T.O.T.C. and those that don't should look it up on Wikipedia. I think that this is probably one of the best Dicken's stories that he wrote. Has anyone ever portrayed the French Revolution in equally positive and negative tones? I highly doubt it. It's so passionate and so full of anger and despair that it demands to be read and watched.

The last scene is heart-breaking, and if that doesn't tug at your heart-strings for those poor people then nothing will.

(HORROR) Invitation Only - 2009 **

Can't say I was blown away by this movie. The idea seemed a bit bizarre anyway and only the sort of thing you would imagine happening in a Japanese horror film.

A small group of people are invited to an elite and extravagant party for the rich and famous, only to find out that the party is simply a charade for the real, terrifying entertainment.

There are some very gory scenes here, so it would do to be a mega-gore horror fan, but really the film just seemed to follow the same structure that all other horror movies do. The gore, the nudity, more gore, a bit of girl-on girl action and that's sort of it. If you want to be surprised with a decent and original story then don't watch this ( it's like a rip off of Saw and Hostel) .

(HORROR) Zombies:Wicked Little Things - 2006 **

I'll be honest, the artwork for this DVD makes it look far eerier than it actually is.

The acting was pretty horrific (isn't this supposed to be directed by Tobe Hooper of Texas Chainsaw fame?)

and I was aghast to see that the mother of the 2 daughters looks about the same age as the older daughter. In fact she looks like their sister, and certainly acts like it.

There's the mandatory screaming but not moving, saying 'hello hello is anyone there' at times when it's better to be quiet, and totally reacting and hyperventilating over things that aren't scary at all, i.e. rats, trees, other human beings.

I liked the idea for the story (100 years ago a mine collapses on some children working down there and they come back undead etc), in fact, tell me that the basis of a story was set 100 years ago and you've pretty much sold it to me, but this wasn't convincing at all. I'm not sure whether watching the other 7 of the AfterDark Horrorfest films at the same time is the idea or whether something like this can ever be good as a standalone. I think I've seen one other from the list, which was about 10 million times better (The Abandoned) so I guess really it's best to judge each on it's individual merits/negatives.

Oh but one of the weird men does look a bit like an old Sean William-Scott on acid - pretty funny. You certainly need to laugh having to sit through this.