Ringmaster - 1998 ***

This was a very weird film, made even weirder by the idea of Jerry Springer playing himself.

A story of a group of characters who, one way or another decide to make sure they get a free trip to New York to star on the Springer Show, whatever the costs. This might involve sleeping with your daughters' boyfriend or sleeping with your girlfriend's best friend, but they don't care. All along sort of giving off a 'trailer trash' vibe.

Jaime Pressly is now in 'My Name is Earl' which I can't stand, and I'm pretty sure she plays the same sort of character there, maybe because she can't phyiscally play anything different. She strikes me as a bit of a 'blonde bimbo' really.

Cul-De-Sac - 1966 *

I felt awful saying this but I felt really let down by this movie. Maybe I didn't understand it but I found it drawn out, flat and completely lifeless.

A married couple live in an isolated castle near the sea which becomes the centre for 2 gangsters on the run from the law. The husband and wife couldn't have less in common if they tried, and what starts off as them working together to try to free themselves from the captors turns into a rather nasty experience where the girl starts to side with the bad guy.

I barely recognised Donald Pleasence and I'm not entirely sure why he was cast in a film like this. I think he stood out like a sore thumb.

I didn't enjoy it, sorry.

The Belles of St Trinian's - 1954 ****

I've seen this and I've seen the newest version of St Trinian's, and I can safely and happily say that I much prefered the original. Alastair Sim is hilarious as both the headmistress and her brother, who find the school in dire straits due to unpaid bills (Miss Fritten prefers to stash all the money she makes away in a safe rather than use any of it to pay the school bills!) and so come up with a scheme that involves a rich new student whose father owns a racehorse. Chaos ensues, but it's all good fun and Sim is one of the only actors I know who is equally believable as a woman. For although you know it's him dolled up in women's clothes you sort of forget once you get into the story. My advice, watch this, forget the remake.

I Confess - 1953 ***

Monty Clift has never put in a bad performance in everything I have seen him in, and here he plays his role with such heart-felt agony that you feel desperately sorry for him. He plays a priest who hears a confession to murder from a man who has recently killed a lawyer. As priests are bound to their word Clift cannot tell on the man or let the police know what is happening, even when the net starts to close in on him as being the guilty suspect.

Anne Baxter was pretty good, but she appeared to have overplayed her part a bit here, would rather watch her again in something like 'The Blue Gardenia.' Look out for Hitch at the beginning of the movie in his usual, light-hearted cameo. As though anyone could forget who has directed any of his movies!

My Left Foot - 1989 *

The reviewer on the poster above says that this film makes you ''laugh out loud with joy.' Really?

Are we watching the same film? Because it seems to me that this is one of the most depressing films I have actually seen in my life.

First things first, Daniel Day-Lewis is an amazing actor, and I don't believe he has ever been in a dud movie. He is full of expression and passion in all his roles, which made it all the more strange that he was the lead role in this, based on a true story about a boy named Christy Brown who is paralysed and can only write, draw etc with his left foot. I'm not saying it doesn't blow your mind to think that someone can actually function that way but I would imagine if that is your only way of being able to communicate with the outside world then you would make a jolly good effort at trying anything.

The performance was spot on, but I just found the subject matter too upsetting to really relax and start enjoying the movie. I know there were funny bits in it but I couldn't get past feeling totally dreadful for Brown and his predicament which I'm sure he would frown on. Not in a pitying way, more that life is dreadfully unfair in how it treats innocent people, but one thing is for sure, and that is that he certainly made the most of his life.

The Blob - 1988 **

Okay, I only watched this because I found this DVD lying around and couldn't see anything else at that particular moment. Oh, and because I thought it would be one of those, 'that was so bad it was actually good' films. It was actually just so bad that it was bloody awful.

It wasn't scary, it was dreadfully acted and the blob itself was hilarious, including in the scene on the front of the DVD where the bloke is literally suffocated by a large ball of what can only be described as mucus, giving off the most hilarious effect where his nose and mouth are pulled right back as though he's seriously gurning at the camera.

The rest of the film was a blur of awfulness. And unless I'm really lucky, I can't quite imagine the original movie being any better.

(NOIR) While the City Sleeps - 1956 *****

C'mon, if it's done by Fritz Lang you know it's going to be superb, and this movie was.

I just love the concept, a movie made about what happens while your normal, everyday people are tucked up in bed.

The results are tremendous. You have Vincent Price as the heir to a newpaper, television station and news service via wire. Instead of deciding for himself who should run the divisions he lets the heads of each one fight it out amoungst themselves.

Each head has one specific person fighting their corner, and Dana Andrews is one of them.

It's just a wonderful film, fair enough it's a bit later than your typical film noir but the performances are so gritty and realistic that you wouldn't have a clue. I loved it. More from Mr Fritz Lang, he's a genius.

'10' - 1979 **** 1/2

This was a hilarious film, and even more so because some of the scenes I found myself howling in laughter at weren't actually supposed to be funny!

The one that had me in tears of laughter involved Dudley Moore and a mouth full of Novocane trying to answer the phone to Julie Andrews who mistakes his incoherent mumbling as the sign of a madman and calls the police!

There were so many funny parts to this movie that the time just flew by and I was sad to see the end.

I also liked the premise of the film, owing to the number 10, the number which both men and women aspire to be, 10 being a perfect woman/man. Moore has just celebrated his 40th birthday and is having doubts about his life, so despite having a lovely, beautiful and intelligent girlfriend Sam (Julie Andrews) he becomes obsessed with a mystery woman whom he perceives as 'perfect.'

I won't spoil it for you, but suffice it to say, we find out that there is no such thing as a perfect person (although I think most level-headed, mature adults know that already)

Music by Henry Mancini, so you know that's going to be a hit too, and Bo Derek's first film!

Risky Business - 1983 **

So this is the film everyone rave about where Tom Cruise is dancing around his living room in his underwear?

I can't say I was altogether impressed with this movie. Cruise in his first feature role already seems to cocky and self-assured which seems to overshadow the fact that he's not actually a very good actor. He's too over the top for my liking. Too 'typical American boy' who thinks too much of himself.

After being left in charge of the house when his parents go away for the weekend, Cruise orders a prostitute for a laugh, not knowing that she has a seriously mixed up past which she ends up dragging Cruise headfirst into.

The only film I have ever really liked Cruise in was my old favourite 'Top Gun', but that was more because I loved the film as a whole. Here we have too much time to gaze on Cruise frolicking around around in his underpants and driving his parents' car like a total moron at 100 mph after he is confronted by the prostitute's pimp.

He comes across as too arrogant for us to be sympathetic to, but too needy for us to take him seriously as a young man. Just a very weird film.

She-Devil - 1989 **** 1/2

I found this on an old DVD and assumed I would be sitting down to watch a Hammer Horror movie, and so was slightly confused when I found myself in hysterics watching a dark comedy with Meryl Streep and Roseanne Barr. I have NEVER heard of this movie which is totally bizarre because I really enjoyed it and it has one hugely famous star in it!

In true revenge style, Barr is the frumpy and unattractive wife of a cocky and seemingly arrogant accountant. When she finds out that he has started an affair with the beautiful, famous and rich author Mary Fisher (Streep) she exacts revenge, in some rather interesting but totally unforgettable ways.

This is a funny film but it seems to have some underlying issues about fidelity and superficial lust which sadly crop up too often in everyday/celebrity life. Well worth a watch to have a chuckle!

The Crush - 1993 ****

I was really excited about watching this film. Mainly because I love movies about obsessive relationships/crushes/unrequited love etc. And I also think Cary Elwes is a pretty good actor.

I cannot quite believe that this was Alicia Silverstone's debut performance as she was excellent in her role, and I noticed many traits that would soon become her trademark moves in later films (i.e. her hair flipping, biting her lip).

She plays a 14 year old girl who becomes infatuated by Elwes when he moves into the house next door. At first he is flattered and sees her as a friend, but when her attentions begin to interfere with his work, home life and relationships he realises that she has a serious problem. But has he realised in time?

A very good eerie film with 2 very good performances (does anyone prefer Silverstone's brown hair to her blonde hair in 'Clueless'? I do) that demands to be watched.

(NOIR) Apology for Murder - 1945 ****

I adore film noir films. They are perfect for a cosy, rainy Saturday in front of the TV. I have seen a fair few, and many are left to watch, but I'm always worried that I'm going to run out of really spectacular ones, and therefore am getting more into B-Movie noirs as time goes by. Many people dismiss B-movies without giving them a chance and sometimes they are right to, but I must say, all the B-movies I have ever seen have not disappointed me and they give you a much bigger scope when it comes to experiencing new films. Added to which, they are usually a lot shorter than normal feature lengths, and you can therefore fit more in which is always a bonus for me.

Apology for Murder is relatively unknown, but Ann Savage, the main star (also starred in 'Detour') is excellent in her role as the greedy wife of a rich man who decides, with her willing lover, to bump him off and claim his cash. Very much along the same lines as 'Double Indemnity', but with a slightly easier story to follow, in many ways 'Apology for Murder' is actually superior to the other. Savage has wetted my appetite for more B-noirs, and I will be keeping my eye out for her other films.

Heathers - 1988 ***

A very nasty movie. One that doesn't really qualify as a 'school movie' because it's far too dark.

Winona Ryder attempts to fit in with the popular crowd at school known as the Heathers. Although popular, they are hated rather than adored and all secretly miserable. She wants to be a part of their group, but also hates them enough to kill them. Que Christian Slater who is an outsider with his own style and look. He hooks up with Veronica ( Ryder) and the two decide that they cannot allow the Heathers to continue their torment on the nerdy and timid members of the school, and so they hatch a plan to get rid of them, one by one.

It's quite a good idea for a story, and I for one can remember wishing the popular group at school would just disappear and stop having this weirdly invisible hold on everyone else.

Towards the end of the film however, it becomes almost like a psychotic thriller which is deeply unsettling. I got the distinct feeling that I shouldn't be watching a film like this because it made me feel strange, but I managed to hang on until the end.

(HORROR) The Deaths of Ian Stone - 2007 *

This was ridiculously bad. I am trying to watch all the AfterDark HorrorFest movies and so far have not enjoyed a single one of them.

A young man is murdered everyday, and everyday has to adjest to a new life as a group of totally unscary vampires in leather catsuits chase after him in an attempt to 'feed on him'.

A totally bizarre film ( isn't that woman the one from 'Hustle'?) that was more unsettling than scary. In fact it was just rubbish.

(HORROR) Whisper - 2007 *

Sort of a mixture of 'The Omen' and 'Esther', athough this movie failed to deliver on all accounts, including being well acted or having a good plot-line. the actor playing the young boy was so annoying I couldn't focus properly much on the other characters, but it seems to me that they were all equally uninteresting and not properly 'fleshed out'. Also just generally boring. I didn't like it.

(HORROR) Black Water - 2007 *

Of course I was drawn to this movie because of the 'based on true events' posted across the front of the DVD box. I still haven't been able to grasp that that rarely means any of the story is true, and still keep going back for more each time. Suffice it to say, I was disappointed with 'Black Water', as 3 people go fishing in a remote part of Northern Australia, and end up being almost held hostage by a giant crocodile who has already eaten their guide. The whole time I was watching this I was thinking 'why would you be so stupid to go off somewhere so remote in an area that is known for crocodiles?'. Any sympathy you have for these people sort of disappears quickly as the film progresses.

(NOIR) The Glass Key - 1942 ***

It's hard to follow this story, but whether you understand it or not it's still fun to watch the gorgeously sultry Veronica Lake in a movie simply made for her, as well as getting my first glimpse of Alan Ladd who is probably one of the best film-noir cool guys that there are, along of course with Bogart and Cagney.

Actually I found Brian Donlevy pretty funny as well, and typically classic in his style and personality. I love old films, and even if the story was somewhat questionable I can still enjoy watching these amazing people do what they do best. I'm very wary about reading anything more by Dashiell Hammett since my last experience with reading 'The Thin Man' and so may put off reading this novel.

(HORROR) Grace - 2009 **

Oh my god, what a dreadful evening for films, what with this and 'Mega Piranha' I may just give up watching films all together.. No I won't. But it makes me want to when I see this kind of tripe.

A woman miscarries and decides to go ahead and deliver the baby anyway. The baby comes back to life and all it seems to want to do is drink human blood (Yeah yeah).

To be honest I guess I chose this film to see because I was hoping for some gore so I shouldn't be moaning that it's as rubbish as I thought it probably would be.

Mega Piranha - 2010 **

I seem to be obsessed with forcing myself to watch awful movies. Especially 'creature features' which are NEVER as good as I think they are going to be. 'Mega Piranha' was pretty ghastly, with a load of people who looked like other people that had been extras in other bad movies, so it was great fun trying to pick those out. It was about the only thing I could do to not be bored senseless. No more, I will force myself if necessary to not watch anymore hideous 'films' like these (see how long that will last)

(HORROR) Dahmer - 2002 **

Based on the life of the serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer I was rather disappointed by this film. It claims to be a biopic but seems to seek to show us this cotton wool version of this man and the crimes he commited, almost trying to justify them because of his broken childhood. Many people come from broken homes without turning into a sadistic killer. I think too often crimes commited by people are justified because of their past, which rarely actually has much of an impact on their present situation. Dahmer's parents divorced, big deal, parents divorce all the time, some children grow up without a mother or a father, it has no baring on the mind-set of someone that would convince them to murder and dismember 17 other human beings. We can only assume that Dahmer is somehow mentally handicapped or insane. The person who plays Dahmer portrays him as this rather lost and timid man who just wants to be accepted because of his sexuality as though this somehow excuses his appalling crimes.

As one reviewer of the film pointed out, if Dahmer saw this he would roaring with laughter at how he is imagined by American cinema, for there was nothing timid or innocent about his cruel sadistic mind, which masterminded a very clever but very twisted individual.

(HORROR) Cropsey - 2009 ****

I was expecting to find this film pretty laughable, but came away feeling very unhinged and overly disturbed. What starts as a documentary about an Urban Legend turns into a sort of True Crime investigation into the disappearance of several mentally disabled children who go missing in Statton Island in the 1980s and the eventual arrest and trial of the lunatic named Andre Rand who is convicted of their brutal killings. We never know for a fact whether Rand is the actual killer or just singled out because of his weird and bizarre behaviour, (one theory is that he murdered children who had a disability in a way of cleansing the world of 'abnormal people', a bit like Jack the Ripper who was said to have killed prostitutes because he thought he was 'cleaning up the streets) but the film-makers do a good job of showing us plenty of footage from witnesses, relatives and people of interest who all paint a terrifying picture of this man.

I love documentaries about serial killers (I know, I know, that makes me sound mentally unhinged), but I did find myself thinking that I was watching two different programmes, one on an urban legend and another on a specific person who may or may not have been guilty of these heinous crimes. Take out the Urban Legend about 'Cropsey' and you would have a 5 star documentary.

Caramel - 2008 ****

A surprisingly riveting film, that merits more than one viewing. It centres around a group of friends who work in a Beauty Parlour in Beirut, and the trials an tribulations that they each have to go through in aspects of their lives and relationships. One is fixated on her affair with a married man, another is a shy lesbian who has feelings for one of her clients, another cannot bear to tell her husband-to-be that he won't be her first lover on their wedding night which could have her imprisoned.

Each story is interesting without going over the top with realistic acting.

Great to see into another world where religion and tradition are so completely alien to the way that Western society is.

(HORROR) Thir13en Ghosts - 2001 ***

Eerie I'll grant you that, but seriously, could this be anymore cliche and 'typical' of an American horror film? A family inherits a weird glass house from a rich, newly deceased relative and get caught up in a load of terrifying ghostly happenings. Too much noise, too much stupid conversation, and you already know what's going to happen... All the reasons to avoid this film.

A Tale of Two Cities - 1935 *****

Wow. I thought that Dirk Bogarde's portrayal of Sydney Carton was one of the best I had seen, but Ronald Colman just blew my mind. His timing, his expressions, his acting, his just general prescence as this character was overwhelming. I honestly don't think anyone could bring Charles' Dickens hero to light like this man.

Most people know the story of A.T.O.T.C. and those that don't should look it up on Wikipedia. I think that this is probably one of the best Dicken's stories that he wrote. Has anyone ever portrayed the French Revolution in equally positive and negative tones? I highly doubt it. It's so passionate and so full of anger and despair that it demands to be read and watched.

The last scene is heart-breaking, and if that doesn't tug at your heart-strings for those poor people then nothing will.

(HORROR) Invitation Only - 2009 **

Can't say I was blown away by this movie. The idea seemed a bit bizarre anyway and only the sort of thing you would imagine happening in a Japanese horror film.

A small group of people are invited to an elite and extravagant party for the rich and famous, only to find out that the party is simply a charade for the real, terrifying entertainment.

There are some very gory scenes here, so it would do to be a mega-gore horror fan, but really the film just seemed to follow the same structure that all other horror movies do. The gore, the nudity, more gore, a bit of girl-on girl action and that's sort of it. If you want to be surprised with a decent and original story then don't watch this ( it's like a rip off of Saw and Hostel) .

(HORROR) Zombies:Wicked Little Things - 2006 **

I'll be honest, the artwork for this DVD makes it look far eerier than it actually is.

The acting was pretty horrific (isn't this supposed to be directed by Tobe Hooper of Texas Chainsaw fame?)

and I was aghast to see that the mother of the 2 daughters looks about the same age as the older daughter. In fact she looks like their sister, and certainly acts like it.

There's the mandatory screaming but not moving, saying 'hello hello is anyone there' at times when it's better to be quiet, and totally reacting and hyperventilating over things that aren't scary at all, i.e. rats, trees, other human beings.

I liked the idea for the story (100 years ago a mine collapses on some children working down there and they come back undead etc), in fact, tell me that the basis of a story was set 100 years ago and you've pretty much sold it to me, but this wasn't convincing at all. I'm not sure whether watching the other 7 of the AfterDark Horrorfest films at the same time is the idea or whether something like this can ever be good as a standalone. I think I've seen one other from the list, which was about 10 million times better (The Abandoned) so I guess really it's best to judge each on it's individual merits/negatives.

Oh but one of the weird men does look a bit like an old Sean William-Scott on acid - pretty funny. You certainly need to laugh having to sit through this.

Hoodwinked - 2005 ****

I don't understand why this film was so badly slated on it's release. Sure it's not a Disney or a Pixar but it's still very funny, very unique and has some memorable characters.

We have a rather 'Rashomon' like story, involving a little girl named 'Red' who is arrested after turning up to visit her grandmother in the woods and finds herself face to face with a cocky and slightly arrogant wolf in a granny mask and a manic German woodcutter wielding an axe.

The police hear each story from each person and everyone has something different to say, leading to some hilarious scenes involving some most unsavoury characters.

I love the unique approach to the Red Riding Hood story, I'm surprised really that no one else has thought it up before hand, and the animation was good. I actually liked the fact that it incorporated other parts of famous animated films (one viewer commented on how annoying it was that the music sounded like it came from 'Shrek' which is precisely what I liked about it!)

and that the director wasn't scared to copy ideas whilst keeping it individual and fresh.

A good, funny and totally underrated film.

(NOIR) Le Corbeau (The Raven) - 1943 ***

A completely unheard of French noir which is always a plus for me as I love noir with a passion. The story follows a French Doctor who starts to receive poison pen letters from a mysterious person accusing him of performing illegal abortions and having an affair with his patient. One by one the other members of the story begin to also receive letters and must work quickly to decifer the true culprit. It's not a bad film, and some parts are really eerie, especially the very last scene, and I never guessed who it was. I guarantee that anyone watching will guess the same person that I originally did.

Casque D'or - 1952 ****

This movie had a 'Partie De Campagne' feel about it to me at the beginning, and it intrigued me to watch more. Particularly because Simone Signoret looks so incredibly graceful here as opposed to her hard-faced, no nonsense character in 'Les Diaboliques'. Playing a gangster's moll she is mesmerised by the presence of a young man who has just been released from jail and who is known to her boyfriend (one of the leaders of the gang) who is infuriated with her growing closeness to him.

The acting is really very good, and special praise must go to Serge Reggiani who plays the ex-con that Marie (Signoret) falls in love with. A great 'Bell Epoque' affair.

Love Me Tonight - 1932 ***

I was expecting more from this movie, only because it's always raved about by eminent film critics who say it's probably the best early musical ever made. I don't think it is. And I've seen a lot of musicals. Can we not count a Fred and Ginger movie such as 'Swing Time' as the best instead?

This is over the top, but not in a fun and excitable way which musicals are supposed to be, more over the top in an awkward and not particularly enjoyable way where you find yourself fidgeting and fast forwarding the songs to get to the dialogue. The story doesn't really matter, it's a typical rom-com but with songs thrown in, and although everyone seems to think Maurice C stole the show, I think that prize should really be given to Myrna Loy.

Jeanette MacDonald is simply a pain to watch and hardly any of the songs are memorable except for the song Chevalier sings entitled 'Mimi', which I swear I have heard in another musical... (It's not changed to 'Gigi' in the film of the same name is it?). Anyway, it's not really a brilliant attempt at a star-studded music of the early 30s that I would have liked. Sorry. But my opinion.

The Illusionist - 2010 ****

This is a delightfully quirky animated French film. And was a real joy to watch and experience.

An out of work illusionist from France travels to Scotland for a trip and meets a young girl who becomes fascinated by him. She follows him to Edinburgh and that is when their lives change.

The animation is sumptuous, the dialogue is minimal but perfectly in tune with the rhythm of the film, and the main character is most likeable. Add in some lovely music and you have this little treat. I would love to watch it again.

Love and Death - 1975 ***

Planning to assassinate Napoleon was never this much fun! Well of course it's Woody Allen and therefore it's going to be bizarre, funny and totally random. Allen plays a cowardly Russian peasant who is forced into enlisting in the army against his will, getting himself into some typically ridiculous and toe-curling situations as he does so!

Diane Keaton is pleasantly fresh and youthful looking in this and bounces off the manic and unmatched Woody in every scene they share. It's not taking a place next to my 2 favourite Woody films quite yet, but there are still other Woody films to see before I can construct my top 5 favourites. Definitely one of the funniest however.

(HORROR) Chain Letter - 2010 ***

Now this is an interesting horror film, because despite it's typical huge amounts of gore/nudity shots that seem almost a staple diet of horror films nowadays it does actually in my opinion have an interesting storyline. Well no, actually it's not the story that's interesting, more the hidden meaning. The story is simply a maniac going around killing high schools students because they don't pass on a chain letter that they recieve. That's fair enough, but the meaning I understand from the film is that technology can be a very dangerous and destructive thing. The students are totally reliant on their phones, and in one scene, the technology teacher demonsrates being able to disconnect every mobile in the room with the simple flick of a switch. The students appear almost distraught without these objects, and I guess it shows just how bizarre and obsessive people have become as regards to technology over the last few years. As the technology teacher says 'there is no privacy anymore, nowadays people can contact you at any minute of the day, you have no private time.'

So as regards to that I have rated this movie one star more than I usually would just a run of the mill horror movie because it actually has a message attached to it.

Network - 1976 **

Eek I didn't really get this film, and that's why I'm giving it a low mark, not because of how good or bad it was. It certainly had an excellent cast, although I didn't even recognise William Holden!

All about power and corruption behind the scenes of the Television network.

Faye Dunaway is almost unrecognisable compared to her character in 'Bonnie and Clyde' 10 or so years ago, but about 10 times more hard-nosed.

I can't think of much to say about this film, I watched it because I had to for my book list, but I wouldn't see it again. Probably the best scene which is now famous in movies all over is where the presenter instructs the audience to open their windows and shout 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore' out of it. Resulting in a rather memorable and slightly poignant scene.

Trouble in Paradise - 1932 ***

This is one of the first 'screwball' films ever made, before the actual concept of screwball came into place. This film in a way defined the genre.

Hopkins stars as a glamourous crook, who meets Marshall, another crook, and together they decide to 'go to work' on rich Madame Kay Francis. Hopkins is in it purely for the money, whilst Marshall realises he wants more than that.

My highlight was Edward Everett Horton who always makes me laugh and always plays the same character in whatever he appears in ( famously the Fred and Ginger movies).

This movie was certainly put in my 1001 book for a reason, and I'm glad I watched it, but it's not one I would watch again.

Broken Embraces - 2009 ****

Pedro Almodovar rarely makes a bad movie. I think the only one I didn't enjoy was 'Live Flesh' which I saw a few years ago.

Broken Embraces is fascinating to watch and as always, Almodovar has chosen the very best actors to fulfill his expectations of his piece. Penelope Cruz is a staple form and stars here as the mistress of a millionaire who falls in love with the director of a film that she wants to appear in. Knowing how much she wants to act in the film, the millionaire agrees to finance the production, which of course means that Cruz cannot leave her lover for the director. It's hilarious to note that this 'film' is almost a clone of 'Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown' (look for all the references towards it i.e. the gazpacho, the burning bed,) although the real plot is far less humorous. We see all this in a series of flashbacks from the film director's point of view who is now blind.

A very weird film, but wonderfully done anyhow. Well worth a watch.

Electric Dreams - 1984 *

The best thing about this movie was the music. Only that could keep me going. The plot was totally ridiculous, highly dated and thoroughly unfunny. A man buys a new computer which falls in love with the same woman that he has feelings for. It's not even sci-fi, it's just weird, and totally unrealistic acting from Lenny von Dohlen and Virginia Madsen. Stay away from the movie, it's just a waste of time.

I'm obviously on a bad-movie slump at the moment...

Body Double - 1984 *

Pathetic excuse of a movie. Messy, pretentious and badly acted. Brian De Palma has really disappointed me considering his 'Dressed to Kill' movie that I saw a while ago was so good. The plot is a story in a story but really it doesn't matter, it's a waste of time and completely uninteresting. Life is too short to give bad films much more thought.

Funny Farm - 1988 ***

Chevy Chase is a funny actor but so far I haven't seen anything that merits itself better than the National Lampoon movies that he is famously known for.

Chase stars as Andy Farmer, a writer who has recently bought a weirdly disfunctional house in the country with his wife where he can write to his heart's content without any distractions. Well if it's not bad enough being so far away they can't contact anyone if they are in trouble they also have a series of mishaps including the movers losing their bed, the telephone going missing and then only accepting quarters when it's located, the maniac of a delivery man throwing their newspaper into the river, and to top it all, having a car accident which results in Andy barely being able to walk. All in the space of a few weeks. It's quite a funny film but it's no way near on the scale of something like 'Caddyshack' which is literally a laugh a minute.

The Long Night - 1940 *** 1/2

Henry Fonda really is an excellent actor, he's so natural and realistic which makes watching him really appealing. I'm determined to continue trying to watch as many of his films as I can, I'm sure there are still a fair few left to see!

This film stars Fonda as well as good old Vincent Price who tries to pass himself off as Fonda's new girlfriend's father because he secretly has obsessive feelings for her. He succeeds in brain-washing Fonda's girlfriend with magic tricks (he's a performing magician on the stage) and power of persuasion leading to a nail-biting finale.

I've never seen Ann Dvorak in anything but she's sassy and tough and I liked her character very much. Price was very good, slightly hammy but that's his trademark and of course Fonda stole the show.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not - 2002 **** 1/2

The more I think about this film the more I am convinced how utterly brilliant it is, and would dearly like to see it again. It is the weirdest feeling to spend half the film with an abject opinion on the situation before my eyes and then for it to suddenly change to the other end of the spectrum.

Tautou plays a girl deeply in love with a married man ( who she says has promised to leave his wife, don't they all say that?) who decides to take drastic measures she comes under the impression that the man does not want her. I don't really even want to talk about the film, just to tell everyone to see it because I spent half the film feeling a certain way about the male population and realised through the second half that my feelings were totally wrong!

Tautou is marvellous and very so slightly weird in this role. Sort of a bit like a dark version of 'Amelie'. See it!

Matador - 1986 *** 1/2

Almodovar is brilliant at sly and sarcastic humour and I think he delivers here. As usual there are some bizarre bits, some gruesome bits and some sexual bits. Antonio Banderas is the main lead, a trainee matador who admits to a series of murders because of his stifling upbringing. His mentor at the same time spends a lot of time become aroused over violence and blood in horror films and doesn't seem overly upset when he finds out that Banderas has attempted to rape his girlfriend. It sounds horrible but actually with an Almodovar movie you can't really take the whole thing too seriously. It's just entertainment. Added to which is great fun for me to spot actresses from his other films popping up all over the place ( isn't Banderas' mother the head mother in 'Bad Habits'??)

Bachelor Mother - 1939 ***

I think that however much I love Ginger Rogers as an actress that (with the exception of 2 other films) she only really shines in her Fred and Gingers escapades.

I didn't think much of this film, and I certainly don't think it's one I would care to see again. David Niven was probably the only good thing about it, and Ginger Rogers was completely non-descript and uninteresting ( in my opinion) which was a shame really because she is so incredibly beautiful and charming in her collaborations with Astaire.

Rogers takes pity on an abandoned baby and goes to pick it up, only for the owner of the orphanage to assume that it is in fact Rogers who mothered the baby. She therefore has to take the baby home which causes all sorts of problems, especially as she has just been fired from her job. (One plot-hole I find amazing is that all the people who know her don't question the fact that she has suddenly acquired a child without even looking pregnant or going into labour, but hey, suspend disbelief n'all) David Niven of course comes to the rescue and romance blossoms. But I just didn't mesh with the film.

(To watch a couple of films Ginger is actually good in try 'Lucky Partners' with Ronald Coleman and of course 'Monkey Business' with Cary Grant:) )

Anger Management - 2003 *****

One of the funniest films I have seen in a long time, this comedy brings an odd match of characters (Nicholson and Sandler) together in the most laughable ways imaginable. Sandler is wrongly sentenced to an anger management course where he must learn to control his non-existent anger within a certain number of weeks or he will be sent to jail. Nicholson is his anger therapist, the most unconventional and hilariously eccentric one you will ever have seen. Some extremely funny scenes here, and really I came away from this film with a great smile on my face, and to be honest, I don't often feel that way with modern comedies! Two thumbs up, way, way up!

Waiting to Exhale - 1995 ***

This is a fairly enjoyable film although I agree with other reviewers who say that 3 out of the 4 women are embroiled in relationships where the man is either married or seeing someone else, and therefore you don't feel a tremendous amount of sympathy towards them when they moan about how the men in their lives aren't treating them very well ( except for the woman who is dumped by her husband for the younger woman). Surely they are as much to blame as the men they seduce?? Anyway, if I push that to the back of my mind and try to enjoy this film on a purely entertainment level ( that's hard for me, I always have to analyse!) then you come away from it feeling pretty good, and pretty strong as a female with the feeling that actually, you don't need a man to make a good life for yourself. Angela Bassett gives a great performance.

(HORROR) The Human Centipede - 2009 *

I guess I did let myself in for this nauseating excuse of a horror film. But I was morbidly curious to see what all the fuss was about, and as always I wish I hadn't bothered.

2 Women become stranded after their car breaks down in Germany (what a surprise) and they are offered warmth and a place to rest and dry off from the pouring rain by a strange man. Of course like the gullible idiots that females always seem to be in horror films (I'm not being sexist, I'm a female myself) they accept his proposal and before long are being cut up and attached to each other in ways I would rather not discuss to fulfil his bizarre fantasy of making a human centipede. Well I've said it once and I'll say it again, if you don't want to get butchered in a slowly agonising way don't go into a strange man's house in the middle of the night and drink anything they give you as 9/10 it will be a sedative. They apparently knew best. Horrible film, but I guess the horror was there and it made me feel pretty unwell towards the end...so it sort of did it's job!

(HORROR) Open House - 2010 **

Another totally ridiculous excuse for a good horror movie. I don't know why I bother really, but I always believe there will be a truly scary film out there...

A young woman has split from her partner and is hoping to sell her house, but what she doesn't know is that a man who she doesn't know is hidden underneath her kitchen in the cellar waiting to pounce and kill her so that he and his girlfriend ( who have a very disturbing open relationship) can move in. I can't actually believe I'm writing that, that's how laughable this film is. The acting is awful, one of the lead women is so anorexic looking that you can actually see her ribcage ( what a wonderful example for all young women out there) and the main lead woman does a lot of screaming and running too slowly. I swear if I was a director I would at least try and make a plausible scene where the victim runs FAST instead of waiting for the killer to try and bump them off before they make a slow move. Yawn.

Genova - 2008 *****

Seriously, does Colin Firth ever make a bad film?! No.

In 'Genova' he plays a distraught lecturer who takes his two daughters to Genova after the death of their mother in a car accident. The idea is that the girls will have the summer to make themselves at home and become accustomed to the language and then start school there the next term whilst Joe (Firth) teaches English Literature at an Italian University.

The oldest daughter becomes sexually promiscious and starts hanging around with an Italian guy whilst the youngest still wakes up constantly with nightmares about her dead mother.

At the same time as this, Joe becomes close to a woman at the University who he had a brief relationship with a number of years ago at Harvard.

I think the film is excellent, brilliantly acted, slow to start and then building up to a number of events that change the family's situation yet again. I think there is a bit of false advertising however, as I believed this to be a chilling and gripping tale maybe with a ghost added in for good measure which is not the case, more about a family learning to cope with a tragic loss. Firth is superb. And the beautiful scenery makes this film extra special. Keep up the good work Colin!

Body of Evidence - 1993 ***

On Amazon there is a page of early nineties movies that are recommended to me each time I go on there. My aim is to be able to see them all, as each movie leads me off on a journey to another handfull of films.

'Body of Evidence' is one of them, and whilst it was a typically sexualised film ( Madonna seeming to delight in being naked in the majority of her scenes) it did have quite a good storyline. Madonna is accused of murdering her crinkly old partner for his large inheritance in what we can only imagine as sexing him to death so that he has a heart attack.

Willem Dafoe takes her on as a client and oh what a surprise the inevitable happens, he becomes attracted to her and her seemingly weird obsession with sex.

Madonna isn't a bad actress but she's not one of the best either, so it wasn't too much of an upset when this film came to an end. I wasn't expecting the ending though.

Five Easy Pieces - 1970 ***

Jack Nicholson plays a thoroughly dislikeable man who works on an oil rig and spends his evenings getting drunk and sleeping with women, whilst his adoring and devoted girlfriend Rayette waits for him.

The characters are horrible, and I know that's what the film is trying to do with the whole 'real life' attitude but I just didn't enjoy it. Nicholson doesn't seem the right person for the part and Karen Black is the weirdest looking woman in the film. I didn't have any sympathy for her, despite the fact she is treated like garbage by Nicholson.

I think there was supposed to be a point in this film about some people never changing, and I'm not saying that I can't like a film with an unsympathetic character, but it helps if there is a bit of plot development so that I don't feel that I'm wasting my time. Sadly there didn't seem to be any here and I finished the film feeling like men just don't know how to treat women very well. (PS I don't actually think that it was Nicholson's amazing acting that played this horrible, egotistical character, I think it was himself simply playing the person that he is.)